My first year in the Air Force I felt so afraid to be myself. I was afraid that no one would except me for who I was. I kept all my feelings inside. This brought a strong depression on. I slowly started to think about killing myself, until one night I sent a text to all of my friends that said goodbye and I set on the floor of my dorm room trying to psych myself into chugging a bottle of mop and glow (I found out later this probably wouldn’t have killed me). Two of my friends rushed to my room and one of them tricked me into opening the door, and he made me sleep in his room. Travis didn’t even ask any questions, for which I was glad because I didn’t really have any answers for him. After that I told myself I would never do anything ever again that would make me that depressed or would bring on those feelings. So I left the Air Force and moved to Monterey CA. I was afraid at first but slowly came out of my shell and I felt so free. After a month I converted to a LDS church. My testimony was and still is so strong in my heart that I would not and could not ignore it. So again I began to hide myself. I went to church and tried to do everything the right way.
One day I went to my bishop in my YSA (Young Single Adult) and I told him that I was gay. He then told me that I should move to the family ward because if I wasn’t planning on getting married there was nothing for me in the YSA for me. My spirit was broken and I left the church for several months. After moving back to Chicago I figured I could start over. My testimony was even stronger and I felt the spirit more strongly everyday. So I went back to church and began to hide myself again. I have made lots of friends since then. But I was still afraid to be myself. I told myself I could fight the depression and it would be worth the pain I was bringing on myself. I told myself that if I wanted people to respect me I should hide. I told myself they wouldn’t see all the good things about me, and that all they would see is the gay guy when I am so much more. Our church is strong, and I believe in it without a doubt but trying to hide myself almost cost me my life. Some people may have noticed that I have been grumpy as of late. I have been keeping to myself or quick to snap or very critical of other peoples opinions if the differ from my own. I was even slowly pushing my roommates away because to me their opinions carry a great weight and I didn’t think I would take it if things fell apart. This is because I can feel the depression coming back and I have been fighting it because I don’t want to run away from the church again.
So I talked to a friend of mine today at church and spilled my guts to him because GOD told me I could trust him. He was caring and gave me words of wisdom. Now I am sitting here typing this. I don’t want to leave the church again and I don’t want to be depressed again because it is so dangerous. So that leaves letting everyone know me and know all of me. So here it is.
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