there were a couple of times in my life that i was EXTREMELY suicidal…
during those times i remember the people i’ve loved the most in my life (all 3 of them, 2 of which i was in love with) saying “you need help,” but never really knowing how to help me, yet wanting me to stay alive “for them” if not for myself. what average human really knows how to be helpful to someone who is so down on themselves? what average human really WANTS to know?
at any rate, they all knew i needed more than what they could give me so they walked away and found “normalcy” with someone who wasn’t as needy as i was at the time. never looked back. the same people who had just said not to long before then “stay alive for me.” the same people who told me it was going to be ok. the same people who told me not to feel bad for how i feel.
part of me used to think, “who can blame them?” i mean come on now, people have their own problems, right? its true, they do. but at the same time people can’t be here today and gone tomorrow if they GENUINELY care for someone. especially if you ask them to stay alive… they are asking people to stick around but won’t do it themselves? it’s a bit hypocritical i believe.
i said all that to say, walking away from someone who is suicidal and feels they are at their wits end is NEVER an option. i’ve said it before and i will say it again, we are here to LOVE and BE LOVED. it gives the implication that said love is an action, so why not direct people to they help they need all while people supportive and staying by their side? last time i checked there’s nothing wrong with loyalty. and if they are at the point where you feel like they will try to end their life, call the police. DO IT. i’m proof that calling the police works… then STAY BY THEIR SIDE as they get better. just be there. if you want someone who’s suicidal to never give up that means you have to be the example and never give up on them.
i can’t remember the last time i told myself that i love myself…
i’m not even sure that sentence makes sense, but yea, i’ve never really took the time to love myself. my entire life i’ve been trying to make other people happy and prove to the world that i’m SO good. i would struggle with believing people when they told me i was good enough as i was/am. in fact, i think i still struggle with that (i haven’t been around anyone enough for them to tell me that, and i haven’t asked).
right now the only person i have to prove that i’m good enough to is myself. and actually, i don’t have to prove it i just have to believe it. i said earlier that i can’t remember the last time i told me i love me… or just said it. now that i think about it i don’t think i ever have until today.
NOTE TO SELF MOMENT:
i love me. i’m awesome and i believe that i am good enough as i am. sure i have made some bad choices and mistakes in the past, i’ve owned them, and now it’s time to move on. i am not my past. i am loved. it gets better. as long as i’m alive i can choose to live a positive life. it’s going to be ok, love. ❤
i encourage everyone to say that to themselves more often. to not dwell on the negative but look at the good… look at how you can rise above the bad and smile through it. love yourself and it will help you love others more… and the love will come back to you full circle.
love is louder than self doubt…
“there’s an underlying love there…”
wait, what? why is it underlying? how can love, something that should is and should always be grand with all intents and purposes, be underlying? and why would anyone hinder love by shoving it underneath the surface?
i completely understand that some people have a VERY difficult time showing love. i know this from experience. in fact, i seem to attract people that CAN’T STAND or are COMPLETELY uncomfortable with showing love and then, in what feels like utter foolishness, fall for them or forming some type of closeness with them thinking.. mmm.. you know what? not gonna make this personal. lol… anyway the point is not everyone is capable of showing love for whatever reason, but they should learn to be so. everyone should. and once they do they.. we.. should not EVER stuff love under the surface. people need it… we deserve it. it saves lives.
life is a bit more free when we give and receive love openly. maybe it comes with a bit more heartbreak/grief/burden.. i know THAT from experience as well. but its all for growth, which is worth it in the end. no matter what i’ve been through i still have the need and desire to love and be loved.. nothing will ever stop me from that.
love is louder than EVERYTHING. ❤
there’s something to be said about the person who lives to make other people better…
to clarify, there is a difference between living for other people, and living to make other people better. the former implies, quite frankly, being a doormat and allowing people to walk all over you. the latter implies adding value to someone’s life. bettering yourself AND others.
i’ve experienced both, actually. i spent most of my life (all 25 years of it) diminishing myself because i thought that was the only way people loved me, if i did what they asked me to do… at all times. if i dropped everything to be there for them.. if i apologized for how i felt no matter how valid.. you get it by now. i seemingly had EVERYONE by my side as long as i was lowering myself to make everyone else happy. but they “loved” me, so i didn’t mind doing that at the time.
it wasn’t until i actively tried to change my life, and was almost forced to get therapy that i realized that i really shouldn’t feel bad for how i feel. i actually started to believe that i wasn’t asking for much when i requested to be loved in return. i now realize that that’s something i shouldn’t have to ask for because everyone, including me, deserves that regardless of past present or future. long story short, it was then that i began the transformation from the former to the latter, still trying to better myself on a daily in order to add value to someone else’s life.
the discouraging part about this, however, is.. i don’t have very many people around me anymore. while it was a blessing to find out who my true friends are, being somewhat of a loner after getting used to having my phone blow up kinda sucks to be honest. but it leaves room for the people who want to love me as i grow… and it opens my heart to love more people and accept them with open arms. i have to have hope and faith that i will see the rewards of this transformation sooner than later. sometimes its tempting to just be selfish and make it all about me, and selfishness might bring success now, but imagine how hard it’s going to be to live with burned bridges later. looking out for others and the self… that is key to having a life worth living. to being remembered by what you give, not what you get.
love and be loved survivors… ❤