How My Mind Works #suicideprevention #depression

hopefully those who have been following YNF since the beginning know that i’m not trying to make it seem like recovery from depression, suicidal thoughts, or anxiety is a walk in the park.

to prove it, i would like to get a little more personal with you by telling you how my mind works sometimes… yes, there’s more.

i DON’T like how my mind works. i could be having a great time with a friend, just as i was yesterday, then be left alone for about 20 minutes & start remembering mistakes i’ve made in the recent or not so recent past.. then i start to be hard on myself  and consider trying to live in a way that only benefits others. thinking that i can and will hurt myself just to please someone else so they aren’t mad at me. so i don’t disappoint them.

this has been happening a lot as of late… ever since i wrote “September.” i’ve been dealing with that as effectively as i can, but that was the first time i was completely open about it. since then, i have been thinking about my ex friend. everyday. at dull moments when i’m not a work or a doc appointment (because that is what i do most nowadays). i think about how i want to undo those 4 days. how i want t0 fix it. how i wish that hadn’t changed my life. how i don’t want to push others away because of that, but i do it anyway. i can honestly say that THAT moment has changed my life significantly more than any other in the last 4 or 5 years. and i’ve been thru a lot, so that’s saying a lot.

as open as i am, i am closed off at the same time. think about it.. no one really knows who i am (and by that i mean my name or how i look) other than friends & fam who know i’m trying to run a site. and even then, as terrible as this sounds, its kind of nice knowing that they don’t really read anything i write. if they do know they are REALLY great at acting like they don’t care about any of it. which is sad if that’s the case. at any rate i said all of that to say that at the moment, because of September plus a couple of other things, i feel like i can’t handle someone acting like they care just to walk away when things get hard.

sure its been 7 months since that happened and part of me believes that may have been a blessing in disguise, but apparently thats not long enough to get over it. that experience changed my life so much that i can no longer tell when someone genuinely cares and when they don’t. i can’t see when someone is asking how i am out of obligation. i can’t see the difference and that’s no way to live. but in spite of my lack of discernment, i still have to press forward. as i have said before, i am apparently not finished yet. i’m not allowed to give up. i don’t have permission to throw in the towel. its. not. an. option. and if you as the reader can relate then it applies to you as well.

who am i kidding… you can relate in some way whether you have overcome something like this or are going through it, which means it applies. it also means that it can and will get better from here. because i know that, i’ve decided to be brave and NOT remain anonymous to the general twitter/wordpress/facebook/world followers. more to come soon, survivors. 😉


What If Mental Becomes Physical? #suicideprevention

i actually just realized that there is something that i’ve failed to mention…

i can’t believe i didn’t remember how relevant this is.. i’m sure there have been countless studies done on how depression and anxiety aren’t just mental disorders, they can translate physically as well. we already know that they can lead to self harm and suicide attempts, but what about the overall effects on the health in general? those who internalize their thoughts and feelings by not getting help might be harming themselves in the same way. we may not see it externally (via scars, burns, etc), but its definitely having s0me long term effects. check out the WEBMD explanation of how depression effects mental health here:

not coincidentally follows a link to an article on suicide and depression, which i have posted on the facebook page:

to keep it short and to the point, please get help. if you know someone who is struggling with depression and anxiety please encourage them to get help. point them in the right direction. you can and WILL save a life by doing so.

Not Enough Memory #suicideprevention #memories

i feel like most people have the tendency to remember the bad times the most…

as of about… a couple hours ago i’ve been wondering why that is and trying to come up with some sort of explanation. maybe the bad things are more significant than the good… maybe the bad things (depending on the circumstance) are overwhelmingly more bad than the good things… maybe we don’t want to forget what was done… maybe we want justice…  maybe we are still trying to figure out the lesson from that experience… maybe we want to know why it happened to us in the first place; why us and not someone else? why anyone? maybe there isn’t enough room in the brain for us to remember EVERYTHING, so we remember the stuff that sticks out like a sore thumb, which is usually the bad times.

i can’t speak for anyone else, but most of the bad times in my life are stuck on replay. seriously. i’m always thinking about how i could have made things better, how sorry i am (regardless of if i’m wrong or not), how i want so badly not to ever make the same mistakes or hurt someone again… all of it. i spend most of my days walking on eggshells and stuck in bad memories and Lord knows i don’t want to live that way. i can’t stand having someone’s perception of me or how someone has treated me in the past control my life. its why i just recently decided to ACTIVELY move on. not just say i’ve moved on but actually do it. to not be hung up on somebody that i USED TO KNOOOOOWW (lol sorry i had to.. that song couldn’t be more relevant).

if it’s the case that there isn’t enough room in the brain to remember it all i guess its up to me (you… everyone) to start replacing the bad memories with new and good ones, without losing the lesson that pain brought upon us. it seems impossible, but it isn’t. i just started a few days ago and it’s working like a charm so far. i’m so thankful that there are still people in the world willing to take a chance on me and have proven my doubts about myself wrong.

all it takes is a little bravery and help along the way. recovery really doesn’t have to be as hard as it looks.

Silence ISN’T Golden #suicideprevention

we’re not at the movie theater, so there isn’t a reason to be quiet. you have a voice, so use it.

you ever notice how we are taught at multiple points in life that it is more valuable to keep your mouth closed than it is to speak up for yourself or for any reason? think about it… as a kid we have to use our “inside voices”.. as an adolescent you have to keep secrets to stay in the “in crowd”… as adults we can tend to have inappropriate relationships (boss/employee… romantic… etc) and by inappropriate i actually mean abusive, but if we speak up about it it makes us weak or “tattle tales” or “the law”.. then we have been taught that in society it is best, especially if you are a male, to keep your emotions jam packed inside. that expressing your feelings is a TERRIBLE idea because you appear too needy and too dependent on someone else. that people like myself are supposed to crawl in some hole when they have depression or anxiety or feel suicidal because it makes other people uncomfortable.

WOW, right? i mean how unbelievably selfish is it to tell someone that they can’t express themselves? sure there are times where you are supposed to be quiet, but when you are most in need is definitely not one of those times. at all. ever. in any circumstance.

i was taught as a kid to not trust people with too much, so up until about the age of 20 i was the queen of masking my emotions and using laughter as a defense mechanism so that no one would even ask sincerely how i was doing. what changed is that i saw that there was a sort of freedom in expressing myself in a healthy way… someone i really loved and trusted helped me to realize that i shouldnt feel bad for having feelings. go figure, right? sure they aren’t in my life anymore now (lol) but i carry that lesson with me. always will.

openness heals almost always; in every situation. there’s love in it. seriously. if you need help you have to ask for it. closed mouths don’t get fed. if someone is treating you wrong, speak up! if they love you enough they will work on their behavior and try to figure out how to love you better. don’t settle or stand for anything that you do not deserve… i know i never will again.

there are people in the world who really want to love and care for you just because of who you are, so don’t be too shy… too scared.. too prideful to tell someone how you feel in the best, most respectful way you know how. then trust that things will move forward from there.

Holding Grudges #savealife #suicideprevention

hopefully this one is much shorter than the last, i haven’t thought about it yet.

at any rate, i will start this one out by saying please try your best to NOT wait weeks… months… years… to tell someone you’re mad at or hurt by them. if you value the friendship/relationship at all you will be honest with them as soon as possible.

here’s why holding grudges and stuff like that irritates me (understatement) like crazy… and yes, this incident just happened.. but i am thankful for the inspiration because its relevant. for one, it ruins friendships. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. the lack of communication and honestly leads to more miscommunication, assumptions, and even lies. for two, and this is on a personal note to which i hope at least one person can relate, people seemingly wait to tell me how they feel as i’m trying to recover or when i’ve had a smile on my face longer than 7 hours. as someone who HATES hurting people, i have the tendency to dwell on how i can make things better for them which causes me to lose focus on my own recovery… which, oddly enough is for the betterment of myself AND my relationships with others. for three, holding grudges is EXTREMELY selfish to me. yes… i said it. it allows the person who does so to remain in their comfort zone, it deceives the other person into thinking that things are OK as they are, and least of all its the biggest mood killer in the world when you finally find out that the person you care about has been putting on a GIANT front for God knows how long. to me its like i’ve been losing time to make the relationship with that person better.

from the other side, i understand how telling the truth is usually not the most comfortable thing to do. but i also know that if you love someone and care for them doing so is more important than your own comfort. establishing relationships of value and importance is key in someones happiness, which will more than likely keep them alive both literally and figuratively. at the end of it all, it just makes people feel better….