Limitations #suicideprevention #mental

now that i really think about it, since i’ve been dealing/have dealt with depression, anxiety, alcoholism, addiction, and even self harm at one point i’ve had a life filled with limitations… i felt i couldn’t do what made me happy because i was depressed or anxious. i felt i couldn’t be completely happy unless i was drunk, which lead to addiction… and i would hurt myself because i didn’t want to feel emotional pain. no one could see my scars and bruises because of the stigma attached to self harm, so i felt i couldn’t tell anyone about my feelings. i didnt find out until recently that with time, i can eventually control my bad thoughts & habits… that that wasn’t all there was to me. some of those limitations i admittedly put on myself, maybe out of fear of failure… not realizing that not trying is failing in itself.

needless to say even with that realization i always have to push past something to get to where i need to be or do what i need to do. there is always an obstacle. sure it makes me stronger in the end, but sometimes i don’t feel like being strong. to be honest, as of late i’ve just wanted to hide out & live in complete and total isolation. from what i hear, isolation is sickness, and i have to agree. all i would do is sit and stew in my own mental illness, with little hope of getting better and more chances to get worse.

but there’s still this little voice inside my head that i have that tells me i’m not meant to be in the outside world.. that i have to be caged up so i don’t scratch anyone who gets to close.. that i have to be subdued so i don’t suck the life out of anyone.. that i have to stay quiet because my thoughts and feelings are too.. damn… loud. even a whisper is too much. i need to keep my hands, feet, and mental illness to myself because society, “friends,” and even some family say/believe so.

yet i push forward… not in isolation. not in silence. what many see as bad or evil i have the opportunity to use for good. i almost didn’t have this opportunity on a couple of occasions, but i can honestly say that i feel that my life is better than i thought it would be. i have to fight every day, but i have enough stamina and strength to win… so does anyone else who has to deal with anything like this. they just have to see it for themselves. i will help them see it. i will help YOU see it, survivors.

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Open Letter

a long time ago someone, i don’t remember who, told me it was a good idea to write a letter to someone who may have hurt you in the past or has some sort of significance in your life and never send it. that way you can get some sort of closure from that situation and move on.

after thinking about what i would say to people i would write the letter to here’s what i came up with:

dear _________ (spelled out the longest name, but it goes for at least 4 people that i can think of right now),

i love you, i’m sorry, and i forgive you.

sincerely,

me.

that’s it. after mentally draining myself thinking about what i could say to make them realize they hurt me, how sorry i am for hurting them, and how i would have still tried anything to make it work with them or have them in my life in spite of that i realized that a) they probably aren’t thinking about it at all so b) why should i? why stress myself over people who are gone? over people who couldn’t handle me at my worst and therefore don’t deserve me at my best?

i’m actually thankful for them giving up on me/walking away from me/not giving me a chance because it made me take a look at myself and see how valuable i am. i realized that i don’t need to overvalue anyone and put myself down in the process, and that i don’t have to bring my past with me into any other friendships or relationships… meaning, i dont have to expect them to walk away. me doing so only sets me up for failure. if someone does walk away again, thats ok. it doesn’t make me a bad person. things happen… all its gonna do is make me stronger.

i’ve learned so much that i’m in a position to win in my future… sure i’m pretty much flying solo right now, but thats necessary and beneficial for my own sanity. it hurts sometimes and gets lonely, but i have to continue to figure out how to be kind to myself. i can’t get caught up in someone else’s love for me anymore. my life can’t depend on it anymore… i have too much to live for..

writing that letter along with the others i decided not to write helped me think about things with a clear mind in spite of me dealing with depression and anxiety on occasion and i really thinking it plays an essential role in moving forward. if you have anyone you need to write to, i strongly suggest doing so. for your own sanity. ūüôā

Suicide ISN’T Selfish #suicideprevention

this might be a little controversial, but please hear me out and then feel free to agree or disagree.¬†i actually looked up the word “selfish” to make sure it was used properly:

1 :¬†concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself¬†:¬†seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

2¬†:¬†arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others¬†<a¬†selfish¬†act>

source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/selfish

based on that definition the attempter would have to be DELIBERATELY thinking about how their suicide would put other people at a disadvantage. how their death would hurt people, or someone in particular. as a matter a fact, the attempter would almost have to be egotistical, grandiose, and prideful in their attempt to die. like the suicide is something to be proud of.

now i have to admit i actually used to think that suicide was selfish, even after i attempted back in 2008. i allowed others to influence me in that direction in order to be agreeable and maybe even stop myself from thinking about trying to do that again. turns out, i continued to think about it on a constant basis AND i attempted again, because i was sick. not because this was the life i WANTED to live. not because it was PLEASURABLE. not because of something i could control on my own.

people do not chose depression/mental illness. who in their right mind would? it is a sickness that needs to be monitored and controlled with HELP. i’ve gotta tell you when i attempted suicide i wasn’t thinking about how i could put others at a disadvantage. i wasn’t thinking about my own welfare. i wasn’t “concentrating on my own advantage.” i thought that people would benefit from me being gone. i felt tired of being a burden on people. i felt that i wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone if i were to just go away. anyone wanna tell me how that’s selfish?

since i’m being completely honest i want to consider the possibility that maybe people explain away suicide with selfishness because its easier to do so. no blame is placed on anyone but the person who has ended their life. people can be mad at the person who is gone because its easier to be angry with someone than it is to love, forgive, and miss them. its easier than trying to figure out what was wrong or educate themselves on mental disorders. there’s already stigma & stereotypes attached to mental issues so why not add selfishness to the mix? why not make the person who felt low enough to take their own lives look worse than they felt, all while inadvertently making yourself look and feel better?

come on now. this needs to STOP. people who have the ability to do so need to look outside of themselves and try putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. show people the way to get help don’t just tell them to! have compassion for someone in need, don’t judge them for being needy! don’t take the easy way out… encourage community & education, and put an end to stigma by being active in truly making a difference in this world.

[to clarify, this isn’t me getting on anyone who has lost someone to suicide. my heart, thoughts, prayers & condolences go out to you, your friends, and your family. this is me encouraging all not to make assumptions about why someone does something like this. to get the facts if they can and, with time, try to be understanding.]

Twitter Petition #suicideprevention #suicideawareness

I have started a petition on http://www.change.org in order to get some support from Twitter to help its users report suicide threats and allow others to make their best attempt at saving lives by preventing suicide.

Since it’s not letting me put the widget on the blog for some reason, here is the link to the petition.

http://www.change.org/petitions/twitter-allow-users-to-report-others-suicide-threats?utm_medium=twitter&utm_source=share_petition

Thank you for your support and help. It is much appreciated.

Trust #suicideprevention #love

just because you ask someone to be honest with you it doesn’t mean they will, and loving someone doesn’t obligate them to love you back.

because of that it (and more) seems like we have to trust more than anything else. we have to trust people with our thoughts, feelings, secrets, and innermost desires… we have to trust that people WILL be honest and love us back and we have to do that more than we sometimes want to. at least it’s that way for me. i have to trust that a therapist, someone i don’t know who is getting paid to listen to me, actually has my best interests at heart.. i have to trust that my employer will pay me on time and the correct amount.. i have to trust that people don’t have ulterior motives, including those closest to me. i have to trust that i’m good enough as i am. i have to trust my instincts. i have to trust God… and needless to say i have trust issues.

but i have to do it anyway… i have to trust because i want to believe in those things. i hope for the best. i have faith that i will be stronger. i can’t have hope & faith without trust. i can’t have trust without courage. i can’t have courage without fear… the being scared that something won’t happen as i imagine it to, but stepping forward in spite of it. which i guess means that having at least a little fear might not be so bad. it makes us human. and then once you do move forward anyway it seems to build character, regardless if the outcome is good or seemingly not so good.

its amazing how a moment in life can transform you into a person you never imagined you would be; but eventually the person you were meant to be. thats what has happened to me and i guess thats when staying alive finally meant something. the bad moments in my life caused me to want to end it, but the more i LIVE, the more looking back on those bad moments make me stronger. the more i learn from them. the more i realize how much better i am without the people who walked away. the more i know i can inspire people who might go thru the same things i have. the more i value moments of weakness because i cannot achieve strength without them. the more i see that being myself is awesome & i don’t wanna be anyone else. and i don’t want to miss the chance at being a better version of me by cutting my life short.

i thought i lost everything last year… but thinking about it now i realize i had nothing to lose and so much to gain. maybe i was holding on to some things & people who were making me rot & sucking life out of me. maybe i was in denial.. trying to fix something that should have stayed broken. maybe it doesn’t matter because the fact is i’m freer than i’ve ever been, in spite of any struggles or stumbling blocks, and its only going to get better from here. i trust that for myself, and i trust that for you as well survivors.