How Hard Is It To Give? #life #love

So my latest adventure has me wondering how hard it is to truly give to someone else… I’m from southern California, what could be concidered the fastest, busiest, opportunistic places in the country. I mean everyone is out here trying to act, sing, and make something of themselves.

But who is it for? I mean sure it’s great to have goals and aspire to be famous but I wonder if people are thinking about how their fame will benefit others. How their newfound power and influence can be used to help others… How giving can actually make the world a little better one day at a time.

I went on a trip to Yosemite yesterday and took a hike up to one of the waterfalls there. I gotta tell you, as someone who is extremely out of shape, with the wrong shoes on and halfway off my feet, it was pretty grueling. It took longer than it should have, but I made it to the top and it was all because my friends stood by me, encouraged me, were patient with me, and understood that this is something I don’t normally do. It was significant because this type of treatment is something I don’t normally get where I’m from… Im not used to people being so giving and full of grace.

I felt really special, and it also gave me so much hope for the world. It also confirmed that those kind of people, givers, can have the most impact on others and can save so many lives. It makes me want to be a better person overall and gives me motivation to live and give more. Sure i want to make something of myself, but I just want to be remembered by what I gave, not what I got. I want to make others feel as special as I do, and show people that humanity can still be graceful and full of love… That not everyone is out to play life’s game for themselves…. That there is someone who wants to help…

My friends so easily gave to me just because of who i am and who they are… And I want to do the same for others.


What Not To Say #suicideprevention #depression

some people just aren’t very good with words… some don’t really care to clarify or explain things better… some would rather bask in ignorance. either way, i think people are better at saying the wrong things than saying the right things.. myself sometimes being one of those people.

for example, and i’m going to try to give this example as clearly as possible, yet without giving too much away… last night someone expressed how depressed they were to someone else… and how they did something that they eventually regretted that could have REALLY hurt themselves. instead of expressing any real concern for the person’s well being, they were more upset that they weren’t in the know about what that person did. i couldn’t believe it… you mean to tell me that someone just tried to hurt themselves, feels bad for doing so, and all you can see is how they didn’t tell you about it??? i was pissed. how can someone not forgive and feel sympathy for someone who is truly remorseful even in spite of their depression?

but then i realized, this is just what society does… its not limited to one person. the majority of people just want to be in the know, they don’t really care about the well-being of others. let’s face it…. in this world it is more valuable to be all-knowing to be all-loving. its better to have something to hold over someone’s head and make them look smaller than they feel than it is to “stoop down” to their level of mental illness and/or try to have any real understanding of it.

its sad to say the least, and to be honest, my heart is genuinely hurting for people who feel remorse for something that they either can’t control or need real help controlling. people like me. in my personal life, i can’t tell anyone i’m depressed. i mean i can, but not without hearing something like “you have nothing to be depressed about” or “don’t be depressed,” as if its an on/off switch i can control. if myself or anyone else could do that, the switch would be off.. then we’d probably throw water on it to short it out so it would never turn on again.

at any rate, i’m not saying we need to be babied or anything ridiculous like that, i just feel like if we are supposed to be understanding of who others are.. be loving… be tolerable.. then why is it that we can’t get the same in return? in therapy we are taught how to say, feel, and the right things but the people around us can keep saying, feeling, and doing the wrong things when it comes to depression and suicide.

i wish i could do more, and until i figure out how to change the world i live in this is just, at the very least, something to think about.

My Story #suicideprevention #nostigmas #bebrave #savealife

A while ago, I posted that I would be revealing myself in the near future in order to be brave and help others come out of the darkness for suicide prevention. I guess today is that day. Sometimes you have to put a face to the story so that it can become real for others. I just want to show people that they are not alone…. Here it is.. A quick word of encouragement from me to you.

Stay strong, survivors.

Knowing Vs. Believing #suicideprevention #depression

last year and into this year, my problem was not only that i was dealing with depression and anxiety; but that i tried to fight it with my own willpower. lets face it… a lot of us can’t even fight the urge to eat a candy bar, let alone combat mental illness.

by trying to fight these giants myself i realized i was only making things worse; because not only was i being punished by friends, ex-friends, and some family for what i was going through (because of the stigma attached to all mental illnesses), i was punishing myself for trying to deal with it, then suppressing it with alcohol and other dysfunctional habits. i drove myself crazy trying to prove to everyone that this wasn’t me… that i was better than this.. that i was above it.. but all i did was give it more power over me.

what changed things for me was finally believing that its ok to ask for help. i mean, i KNEW it was ok for others to do so, but i didn’t BELIEVE it for myself, which made all the difference. i had so many barriers in my life (mostly people) that pushed independence when dealing with issues such as this. i felt so different because, to be honest, i was and sometimes i still am a needy kid. one can imagine how hard it is to be dependent in a life full of people who make it a point to keep others at bay. one can imagine how hard it is to suppress their own needs to make sure the rest of the world they live in is comfortable.

don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with independence, but when does it turn into pride and egotism? the point where people make themselves so big that they now punish others and make them feel worthless for needing a boost from someone else? people like me are not supposed to question how they live their lives, but they can make assumptions and judgments about how we deal with something that more often than not we can’t control? give me a break.

it took a lot of hope, faith, and grace for me to really figure out that i’m wonderfully made to be who i was created to be.. flaws and all. i receive(d) all of that with help, not on my own. i still struggle with self doubt sometimes but i know i can call on my help or at least remember what it has taught me in the hard times. i can also pay it forward and help others who are in the same boat as i am.

because of help i, Lord willing, will make it to see 26 in 5 days. not that long ago i didn’t even care if i made it to the next day, but now… i’m excited to see what this life has in store for me. i can’t wait to see how much better it will get from here, and i can’t wait to show others the same for themselves.

have a great day survivors, and if you need help. please go get it. don’t let anyone stop you from getting what you truly deserve…. what is rightfully yours. there are plenty of resources on this site (“Get Help” section), the Facebook page, and on the rest of the net that can get you back to life and help you start over.

Out Of The Darkness #suicideprevention #AFSP

I just registered for the San Francisco Out Of The Darkness Walk, a fundraiser with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to bring awareness to suicide and support for those who have struggled with those thoughts, and lost someone to suicide. If you would like to support or donate to help fundraise, click the link below or share it.

All video & photos from the event will be shared on the website and if you would like me to walk for you or someone you lost to suicide, please let me know and I can share your story here!

Thank you so much!