Retreat & Relapse #suicideprevention #anxiety #gethelp

i’ve developed this TERRIBLE habit of completely holding all of my emotions in due to the fear and stigma that comes with being open.

100% hypocritical on my part because i’ve pushed for openness throughout this whole blog.. well… its the purpose of it. to encourage other to be open and free, yet i can’t do it myself. my habit has become so terrible that apparently i have started to have anxiety attacks in my sleep and have come to realize i am only feeding my disorder more by isolating.

every time i feel what i like to call “real feelings” (called so because the majority of other people in my life can’t stand when i’m serious, have an anxiety attack, or have a depressive episode) i shut down. i think i’m even literally run away because i’ve allowed myself to believe that it is not OK for me to express myself. its OK for others to do it, sure, but never for me.

i based that belief on what has happened to me in the past and present every time i’ve opened up… so i figured, why do it? and since i don’t want others to feel like i do, i have offered myself or supplied other resources as a listening ear or a healing tool. but i have been forced to realize that i need to practice what i preach and there is no reason why we can’t get help together. this is about community and making sure that people who have mental health issues have another place to express themselves and relate to others.

my tendency to retreat when something serious happens or when i am faced with a trigger has led to my relapse, something i didn’t want to admit could happen. this is something i just knew i had control over… turns out denial can really bite you in the ass and, if experienced by someone who is hypersensitive to certain triggers, can really have damaging physical effects.

i’m about to walk the talk and get help.. i’ve actually already started, and i hope i have encouraged someone else to do the same.

peace and love, survivors.


Out Of Body Experience? #stopselfharm #suicideprevention

DISCLAIMER: seriously, DO NOT READ if seeing/reading about self-harm causes you to do so. others doing it does not make it ok. it shows you’re not alone, but it is NEVER ok to harm yourself. for any reason.

last week i had what people like to call an out of body experience.

not really, but something LIKE that.

i was watching a TV show (one that i’m not sure i should name but one probably most of the world will be able to guess) and this particular episode was focused on a young male who harmed himself to deal with his anger. he would burn himself and punch or hit himself with any object, if not his own fists.

it was literally like looking myself in the face, and i wasn’t sure how to feel. rather, i felt many different emotions and i didn’t know which i felt the most. i was almost in disbelief because it was in that moment that i realized that that was how i looked not so long ago. i mean i knew why i hurt myself in that way but i never knew that was how it LOOKED. then i felt compassion for the kid because i knew that he felt as i did and sometimes still feel… that feeling of not being good enough for anyone, even himself.

i used to hit myself on a daily basis. i rarely cut because i wasn’t too keen on doing so, but hitting seemed to stop the emotional bleeding in the manic moments i would have.

i did it for years from the time i was 12 or 13 until 25 (i’m 26 now), and no one was aware i was harming myself until i was about 22. i told my boyfriend at the time that i would do that to “punish myself” not realizing it was even an issue until he expressed concern. seriously, as smart as i thought i was i had no idea that what i was doing was self-harm. i’m not even sure if i knew what self harm was, i just knew it wasn’t “normal” (if that word even has meaning anymore), but i didn’t know it was an outward expression of how i felt about my inner self and how i felt others felt about me. i felt other people hated me, so i would lash out on myself before they had a chance to unleash their hate on me.

as i implied earlier it took 12 or 13 years to realize that this was something i needed to stop doing and feeding into. i first needed to admit that i was still doing it and that it was a problem before i could solve it… and amazingly enough i was only forced to do so after my 2nd hospitalization and suicide attempt.

i write all of this because i want to lead people to make the choice to get help to  stop hurting themselves…. i mean one shouldn’t be at the edge of the cliff to realize that they need help because what if a trigger makes them slip off the edge? its what almost happened to me and had someone not intervened i wouldn’t be here writing this today.

going back to last week’s experience: after the episode they plugged a website called Half of Us (@ which offers alternate ways to cope with depression, anxiety, loss, suicidal thoughts, and many other things life decides to throw at us, and i believe its a great resource. check it out if you can, and don’t be afraid to communicate your thoughts and feelings with someone who can help.

make the choice to save yourself because you are worth it.

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This #suicideprevention #depression

this one is personal.

well, they all are really but this one is going to be specific….

most of the time i’m able to push through whatever negative feelings i may be having at the moment. for the past few days however its been somewhat of a different story. i’m kind of at the point where i feel stuck in the house, not able to have effective interactions with people, not even able to go to work (as evidenced by me calling out today). i have no real desire to do much other than lay down in the fetal position in front of the tv… maybe order a pizza. thats it. i can’t even cry at the moment, but my numbness is allowing me to be OK with that and although i am aware of it, there’s seemingly nothing that can be done other than to ride it out… key word: SEEMINGLY.

its because of days like this that i have to make a conscious effort to process how i feel when i feel it, because avoiding feelings and not acknowledging that those feelings may be valid leads to an overload… to the point where i can’t function properly.

the reason i’m opening up about this is because not only is it helpful to me to do so (it aids in recovery), but i know others go through the same thing but they feel like they can’t say anything. i mean who really understands feeling depressed to the point where they almost can’t function other than someone else who’s going through it? who else really wants to?

the purpose of these blogs i write (and the survivor stories on the page) are to make sure people have someone that gets it. not someone who will patronize them, make them feel invalid, stigmatize them… this isn’t about that. its about creating community within the chaos and seeking help with others. its what keeps me from trying to take my life a third time… and i’m sure is what keeps others alive. hopefully it can help keep you alive, too.

Motion Pictures #staystrong #bethechange

yes, i absolutely could have titled this “Movies,” however the current title just sounds sexier to me. *shoulder shrug*..  i digress.

i think we have a tendency to make sure that we are in full control of our own destinies. that we have to always be prepared… put on a poker face to make sure no one see the real us. its all an act. always is. perception is everything so we can’t make it anything less than so.

then comes someone who claims to want to break down the wall we’ve put up, the makeup we’ve put on… they want to know our story; the “real” us. the scars and other things that have been left behind from the things we did not have control over. they begin to chip away at the barrier that we have taken so much (or so little) time to build. first its hard for them because of initial resistance, and then with time its easier.. so much so that we are now cracked open just enough to let a little bit of light shine through.

sounds good right? i mean everyone should be projecting some kind of light (which translates into strength)  in the world they live in. anyway the light is shining brighter and brighter… so much so that the person who thought they had to put a front up now believes it is truly OK to be themselves. aren’t we taught that as kids? to be ourselves? that’s how i remember it anyway… then as we grow older we are pushed to be someone else or in the “in crowd” because by then, apparently, being yourself is just too damn weird. by high school (most times, not always) you get all this book-learnin, but have unlearned how to embrace who you are or who you want to be.

i have digressed again… SO, light shines brighter and brighter… and it gets TOO bright for the person(s) who made you feel like it was OK to be you… so much so they try covering you up or turning you in another direction or even turning the light off completely. to no avail because GENUINE LIGHT CANNOT BE TURNED OFF. i’ll get back to that point in a minute. people can run away to darkness, however, and in this case its what happens with people who decide to uncover a light and do not like what they see.

the immediate consequence usually falls on the light itself… it starts to dim… wondering why they feel like they have to cover up. why it hurts other people so much when they are real. the reaction to someone running away from them because of who they are and because of things they can’t control is to rebuild the wall… higher and stronger this time so its harder for the next person to get in. they keep going through life, however, because it is the light within them that makes it possible for them to. its why i said genuine light cannot be turned off. it keeps people alive. its the very thing that makes them decide to hold on and give the next day a try… and the next day… and the next.

we’re living in a world filled with actors, so much so that feature films seem more real than real life. imagine how changed this world would be if everyone let their lights shine… if everyone was encouraged to be open. if everyone knew that by doing so not only would they set themselves free with the truth but lead others to freedom.

just a thought… as you were.

Temporary Fixes #suicideprevention #itgetsbetter

i believe that almost everyone is guilty of looking for temporary pleasures to fix seemingly permanent problems. i know i am, but i didn’t realize how toxic that could get until recently.

sure i’ve used alcohol to cope with traumatic and not so traumatic events; and when that wore off i would try to find something else to make me happy whether it be food, sex (surprisingly, given my history with it… i’ll save that for another blog), sweets, anything but things that are healthy to indulge in. so now i don’t use alcohol as a coping mechanism i use food and other things that i thought i had control over, only to now realize that they had control over me.

i’ve made them sort of my savior, forgetting that i’ve already been supplied with what i need to make it in the world i live in. its the same for others, too. some use work to cope, money, relationships both romantic and platonic, self-harm, eating disorders, overly exercising… all of those things (and i’m only naming a few). all it does it take focus off bettering yourself and fixing those problems… and it creates new ones.

so now, to be frank, in my circumstance i may be ok with not drinking (i still do socially, but not to cope), but now i’m the heaviest i’ve ever been and i’m still using unhealthy methods to search for something that i know i  already have (sidenote: i’m not knocking anyone who is overweight, but for me personally this is new, considering i was pretty athletic for the majority of my life). most of us might know that we have something deep inside that is keeping us going, but just don’t know how to tap into it or where it is…

thats where help comes in, either through therapy or faith, meditation, positive surroundings, patience, kindness in friendships…. thats where our help comes from. its up to us to go get it, however, and to be what we need. usually the only way we can get something (thats WORTH having at least) is by giving it and treating others how we want to be treated. i know it sounds cliche and to be frank again, like bullshit, but its true. i’m FINALLY starting to see evidence of it in my life and in the lives of others around me.

i know it might be hard… scratch that, i know it is hard, but its time to fight for ourselves so we can stay alive. its time to replace bad habits with good ones. its time to develop character. its time to appreciate who we are and know that there is and will never be anyone like us in this world. those who have selfish motives will reap what they sow, so we cant worry about what others are doing to get ahead. just know that by doing the right thing for others and ourselves, we will not only start to be happier but we will be remembered by what we gave and be a great example of positivity for others.