lately i’ve been thinking about the drastic turn of events in 2011 which made me want to step in front of this line and into the oncoming train that rides beyond that line. i mean its hard not to think about it, considering i use this train almost every day to get to work.
almost every time i make the walk to get to this train station, i recount the series of events on September 21, 2011. the text i got which sealed the deal for me, the getting out of bed to get dressed, the phone calls i made, the Facebook message i sent, the call from the police that i received which eventually stopped me in my tracks… the police and my friend at the time showing up to my location and escorting me to a mental health hospital.. in handcuffs. why that’s protocol (especially if someone is submitting to authority and has no weapons) is beyond me. yes, i was a danger to myself, but i still don’t quite understand it in my circumstance.
i’ve thought about it every day for the past two months or so because i now realize that it was by the grace of God that i did not step in front of that line… and i wonder about the people who are plagued by suicidal thoughts. the people who are thinking about stepping in front of a different line, or off the cliff, or making a deeper cut, or pulling that trigger… the people who are RIGHT NOW in the exact same place that i was.
its mind boggling as to why more attention isn’t being paid to this epidemic… how people can see this act as selfish and cowardly… when people will see the pain and mental anguish that causes people to commit such an act… who will rise up and take a stand against stigma?
i believe these people have not yet crossed that line because they are still searching for a reason not to… they are waiting for a glimmer of hope and they have, maybe unbeknownst to them, something or someone that keeps them alive. the 13-year-old girl has her love of music… an artist that she looks up to. the 27-year-old man has met the love of his life or a chance to start fresh… the 64-year-old has to tell their story to their grandkids because, well, who else is going to keep them humble while their parents are spoiling them rotten?
suicide is something that affects EVERYONE, regards of age, sex, religion… anything! all of us have to keep searching for and reminding ourselves OF what keeps us alive. we each have a unique purpose here and these aren’t just words, survivors. this is the truth! its why i am begging you now to stay behind the line because once you cross it, there is no turning back. no second chance. no do-over.
if you are reading this and have suicidal thoughts, please get help. if you know someone who is suicidal please encourage them, and lead them to get help. the link below offers GREAT resources from organizations who are dedicated to live saving.
stay strong, survivors. <3