I’ve tried really hard to only post when I’m feeling adequate enough to provide hope for people who struggle with suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, and/or other mood disorders… and I’ve been pretty successful at it.
This isn’t to say that this post won’t do the same, mind you, but I am going to be honest and this could potentially trigger others’ feelings. My hope is that it more so encourages others to be open instead of secluding themselves and feeding into suicidal thoughts today.
It’s almost 3 years to the day since I attempted suicide (September 21, 2011), and I thank God that attempt wasn’t “successful.”
The problem I have been having recently however, is that I have come to realize that this is the only way I can express in depth my thoughts and feelings about suicide; behind a computer. I can only think of a handful of times in the last 3 years where I have actually had the opportunity to physically open my mouth and talk about something this serious without someone trying to shut me up or thinking I’m overreacting or just want attention… and it caused me to wonder if other suicide attempt survivors feel the same way.
So here’s the truth.
On the morning of September 21, 2011, I made the decision to end my life. On the afternoon of the same day, I had began to regret telling anyone my plans because if I hadn’t told anyone then I would have been dead. After I left the mental health hospital I received a good amount of support, but I knew things were different. Talks and outings with friends and family that were supposed to happen never did, and for almost two years after that I still lived in regret with a drink in my hand and a smile on my face.
Who could I possibly express this pain to? In my mind, the last person I was able to be open to bailed when things got too difficult and since I seemed to be living in a perpetual cycle of people walking away from me that wasn’t an option.
Fast forward to February 2, 2012 which marks the creation of this site. I made it with the intention of allowing suicide attempt survivors, including myself, to use their voice to get help and support/raise awareness and help others do the same, even if it’s just one. I wholeheartedly believe that support from people who have been through some of the same things I have goes a long way, and I know it has proven true for others as well.
It’s only by the grace of God and a change of atmosphere that I’ve been able to live an increasingly abundant life, alcohol-free. Do I still get depressed? Sure. Has attempting suicide crossed my mind? Rarely these days, but yes. I can’t lie about that.
If you’re out there and you know someone struggling with mood disorders and suicidal thoughts, just listen. Even if you don’t, listen anyway. Listen more with the intention of understanding and less with the intention of solving the problem. Listen more with love and less with judgement.
But for those who are struggling, listen when I say to please give yourself a chance to create a better life for yourself. Give yourself an opportunity to find someone who will just listen to you, or to let them find you. I haven’t found that person yet, but that doesn’t mean I won’t.
Stay hopeful, stay strong.
Much love, survivors.
Get Help: http://yourenotfinished.com/get-help-2/
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
I understand…. It’s rough living with thoughts like that which tend to really screw your life up and even worse when no one around you understands how you feel. But I also know that life really does get better, and I wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t survive my suicide attempts. Sometimes it takes a while, but it does… I’m still struggling, but I know that I won’t try suicide again and I encourage you to fight for yourself, whether someone else knows how to fight for you or not. You ALWAYS have support here.