Like father, like daughter? #MentalHealth #MHBlogs #Awareness

I’m just going to jump right on into it…

A couple months ago I found out my father was diagnosed with one or more mood disorders (I say it this way because he not as open about it); more likely than not the same ones I was diagnosed with back in 2011.

I of course sympathize with him because I’ve been through the same thing he seems to be going through right now… the depression, anxiety, hospitalization and feeling like you absolutely need someone, anyone to understand whatever this is that has decided to attach itself to you… to make its home in you. I know how it feels to need to know that your have at least one person, especially family, who will stick by you in spite of whatever you have been diagnosed with and what you’ve done because of said diagnosis. I get it.

Yet all I want to do is disengage.

Maybe it’s because through experience people more often than not have taken a more hands off approach when it came to me and my issues… maybe it’s because it’s him. The fact that he was not even making any attempts to be a father throughout my life and now all of a sudden HE needs ME and loves me so deeply… and needs me to love him in that way too.

Maybe it’s because I’m upset that when I’ve needed him the most he wasn’t there, yet now that the tables seem to have turned I HAVE to be there for him… because when things got overwhelming for him and didn’t go the way he thought they should have he ran and now I want to run; because thinking about him going through this stuff makes me relive everything I have gone through, and I DO NOT want to go through that again. Ever.

Just maybe…

All this time I spent away from him, trying not to be like him… and yet here I am, essentially dealing (or not dealing depending on how you look at it) with the older male version of myself, knowing that if it were someone else I would have absolutely no problem with it.

Obviously, or maybe not so obviously, I’m going to stick this out and stand with my father. I just pray he gets well, and that no one holds it against me for being honest, since that’s the whole point of this blog. Hell, I wish other people around me were honest about this kind of stuff and I hope that more and more people begin to be as expressive without fear or in spite of it. If I can stay strong, you can too survivors. Much love.


Right To Die? #RightToDie #SuicidePrevention #California

So, California just became the 5th state to pass the ‘Right To Die’ law, which essentially means that people here will have the legal right/entitlement/what-have-you to commit suicide or have someone assist them in doing so in the event they are terminally ill and don’t want to prolong their illness.

Many people consider this a victory, however, I can’t help but feel… err… terrible about this law passing because of what it seems to reflect.

While I understand, to a very limited extent I am sure since I have no experience with terminal illness, the mental and physical agony of personally dealing with terminal illness as well as the varying effect it has on friends, family, and loved ones’ (depending on how closely involved they are), my first thought is…

There are so many people in the world who are fighting to live why would anybody be fighting to die?

As someone who was previously suicidal, I did whatever I could to convince myself that not only did I want to commit suicide but I would not live to see 28 because of what I “knew” in my heart and mind I was going to do. In hindsight, however, I see now it reflects how hopeless I was… How much I exchanged truth for a lie…. How much I hated myself…. How easily I was willing to give up and seemingly how thankful I was that giving up was an option which I believe in part is what people in favor of the right to die act are feeling, so in that sense I can sympathize.

But then we look at stories such as the one of Valerie Harper, the legendary actress who was diagnosed with illness and given a short time to live, and she’s still here spreading the fight… the positivity… the love… the hope. Which she can only do because she is STILL alive.

I’m sure there are more stories just like hers that don’t get publicity because the people involved aren’t celebrities, but that doesn’t invalidate their experiences nor does it make them less powerful and true to life. We have to believe that there is hope in every situation, that there is a reason to live FOR every situation and that this life we live is bigger than our own.

I do respect free will so I’m not going to impose my beliefs on anyone, but what I am asking people to consider, whether they are terminal ill or not, is choosing hope instead of choosing death. There is hope, and there is help.

Much love, survivors.

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