For a minute now, my therapist has been trying to convince me that the root of anger is fear 100% of the time.
& for a bit I believed it, until I started to see how this line of thinking is potentially harmful. So I asked my therapist why she thinks this way, & brought up an example of being angry over injustice. She said:
When people are angry about injustice aren’t they fearful that injustice will remain in society without changing? Are they fearful some form of injustice will happen to them, people they love/care about, the community in which they live?
Imagine a family traveling in another country, 2 parents and 2 teenagers. The teens head off to explore a city on their own (let’s say a city in Switzerland). the family is to meet at a specific time at their hotel and the teens are 30 minutes late. When they arrived at the hotel the parents were angry and yelled at them. Surface emotions in that situation is anger. What would be the reason for that anger in that situation?
If we honestly look at any situation in which people become upset/frustrated/anger, the bottom line emotion is fear.
I think it’s important to understand how incredibly presumptuous it is to assign fear to a person’s reaction to any given situation; maybe even arrogant to assume you know the root of someone’s expression before they are given the chance to provide clarity. Additionally this anecdote, while used as a way to potentially empower someone to reframe their thinking, can actually be a way to gaslight someone into thinking whatever they might be inherently “fearful” about isn’t a problem worth being angry about.
Or that their mindset is a bigger problem.
It could be very possible that the people in these hypothetical situations are afraid. It could also be possible that they are just angry.
It would seem that the reason for anger in the Switzerland case is that their kids were late. What if they needed to check out by a certain time and/& their kids’ lateness threw them 30 minutes off their schedule? & it’s not like they are in their home country, they are somewhere unfamiliar to them. Besides, lateness is a common annoyance; not sure why my therapist would use this as an example.
When it comes to injustice, why would fear be the root cause of anger & not indignation? Why wouldn’t someone be angry that injustice remains, regardless of their proximity to it? & why wouldn’t a licensed therapist think that pronouncing fear upon an unjust system, action, or situation could potentially cause a client to believe that they are the ones who need to change their perspective on something that is wrong/harmful/egregious/evil/etc.? & if what is unjust doesn’t change, does this mean we are living in a perpetual state of fear if we continue to be angry about it?
Anyway, I hope my therapist will stop lying to people in 2024 & give herself the bandwidth to understand the root of her client’s anger without making them think they are fearful, especially in cases where they aren’t.
Can fear lead to anger? Absolutely. But people need to know that being angry, afraid, or both (whether at the same time or on separate occasions) is OK. Having the awareness & maturity to understand the root of either is important – automatically assigning fear to anger is just lazy & dangerous. Presumptuous & accusatory in some cases.
Feel your feelings in 2024, & get to the root. Face the root. If the root is a weed, do everything you can to remove it from your heart – therapy, art/music, exercise, journaling, prayer, getting involved with a safe community of like-minded people.
Do the work on you because you’re not finished, & you’re worth it.
If you need additional resources for mental health, addiction, and suicide prevention, head over to the “get help” section. If you want to share your experience or tell your story or journey as someone with a diagnosed mental health or mood disorder in order to connect with & encourage others, & you’re OK with that being shared on the YNF website, shoot an email to stories@yourenotfinished.com or contact me through the site.
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