“You’re Not Letting Me Protect You”

The last time I spoke to my father was July 16, 2016.

I remember the day because not only do I still have the final text messages that we sent to each other from that day, but I’ve recently read those messages.

Prior to that day, he repeatedly requested to see me in person after having not seen each other in several years. I repeatedly denied his request because I, like most other people, need to be and feel safe. In my opinion, we couldn’t meet in person until he demonstrated that he was working on himself, would honor our relationship by putting in the effort to maintain it, and was safe to be around overall. I needed to be able to trust him, and since we had only been talking again for about a month, I wasn’t sure how things would go.

After another denial, I went to get ready to meet up with a friend and as I was getting ready, the Lord very clearly told me, “You’re not letting me protect you.” As a latch-key kid and only child with abandonment issues who takes matters into her own hands by nature, I didn’t need
confirmation – I knew the Lord was right.

I texted my father back and we set a date.

Before D-day, I texted him a couple of times to let him know that if anything changed on his end to let me know and we could reschedule. Partially because I didn’t want to lose time but also, if I’m honest, I was looking for an out. But he confirmed, the day came, and he did not show up to the agreed-upon location.

No calls or texts, not even an apology for not showing up because he… overslept.

I’m, of course, angry at both of my fathers at this point. My earthly father because he decided to take issue with me being upset with him for not showing up, calling, or texting until after I had left the meeting location (after waiting for over an hour for him to show up). My heavenly Father for, in my assessment at the time, convincing me that He would protect me just to not do so and allow me to feel the pain of abandonment all over again.

During that final argument with my father, I let him know that I forgave him but ultimately needed to sever the relationship due to the verbal and emotional abuse that transpired during that conversation – the unfortunate proof that his heart and character hadn’t changed.

The interesting about all this is that, in hindsight, I realized that July 16, 2016, was the only time I allowed myself to feel the pain of abandonment. I had been masking and using terrible coping mechanisms for years to project that I was fine without my father when in reality it was, among other things, the source of fear, self-hatred, mental/emotional distress, and a series of broken relationships.

I also realized that not only was I not allowing God to protect me at that moment, but I had never allowed Him to do so.

Self-preservation may be a logical reaction to things at times, but if it is your default, as it was and sometimes still is mine, it’s not only an indicator of a lack of trust in God, but of unbelief. This is why it’s important for me to revisit that moment from time to time; to remind myself of the Father’s protection and ensure the foundation of my faith is secure. Psalm 27:10 (NKJV) says, “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.” Trouble is promised (John 16:33) and, according to this verse, so is being forsaken. But
so is His protection, provision, and care.

If I counter the fear, self-hatred, distress, and broken relationships I experienced with the truth of the heart and character of the Lord, I find comfort in knowing that I don’t have to be afraid (Isaiah 41:10, John 14:27, Hebrews 13:6), that I’m commanded to love myself (Mark 12:30-31), I can call upon the Lord when I am distressed (Psalm 18:6), and that by His Spirit, I can forgive and have healthy connections with others when possible (Romans 12:17-18).

The most important lesson I’ve learned is that despite my experiences in the natural, I truly am my Father’s daughter because of His supernatural grace, love, and sacrifice (Romans 8:14-17).

Whether or not you share the experience of having an absent father or estranged relationship with a parent or family member, be confident in this – despite what broken or unhealed people (that God still loves) have intentionally or unintentionally tried to demonstrate to you, you are an
accepted and adopted child of God. The worries of this world may cause you to doubt, but remember to fuel your belief by going back to His word and reminding yourself of the truth of your identity in Him.

If you need additional resources for mental health, addiction, and suicide prevention, head over to the “get help” section. If you want to share your experience or tell your story or journey as someone with a diagnosed mental health or mood disorder in order to connect with & encourage others, & you’re OK with that being shared here on the YNF website, shoot an email to brittany@yourenotfinished.com or contact me through the site.

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