From False Intimacy to Freedom

I knew pornography was false intimacy in 2013, but didn’t stop actively seeking it out as a way of escape until the beginning of this year (2024).

Knowing something is counterfeit, harmful, & detrimental to your spiritual, mental, and physical well-being, yet still engaging with it for whatever reason is textbook addictive behavior.

My connection to pornography & self-stimulation was deep; it’s tied to:

• sexual abuse (experienced as a minor)
• familial estrangement
• family history
• my own history of high-risk sexual behavior
• unchecked/unaddressed trauma
• anxiety & depression
• general life stressors

The honest-to-God truth is, I rarely engaged in sexual behavior of any kind due to natural physical arousal – it was almost always linked to avoidance & escape. I’d say 95% of the time.

That’s a difficult thing to be honest about, but it takes this level of openness to rid yourself of something that thrives so well in secrecy. There’s a quote that’s been going around for a while that says, “I heal loudly because I suffered silently,” & that seems to perfectly apply to my experience with pornography & self-stimulation.

The problem is most people don’t know how to handle those with sex/sexual addictions. This could be because of stigma, minimal education/research on pornography & self-stimulation, the general difficulty in admitting there may be an issue, & the encouragement of sex positivity on social media & in certain areas of the mental health field (even if the behavior is detrimental to one’s well-being).

In my experience, just about every time I’ve owned up to the addiction I had or instances of a setback, it’s been addressed passively:

• In therapy, it was often encouraged
• In church, it was avoided or prayer was offered (thoughts & prayers)
• With family, it was dismissed

But the thing is, something that often leads to changes in the brain, the encouragement of mood disorders, debt, loss of relationships, & the interruption of normal functioning needs to be addressed aggressively.

I’m not saying to beat anyone over the head with the pursuit of healing – there is never a need to guilt, shame, or condemn anyone into freedom. That doesn’t even work. What I am saying is, when someone is brave enough to face & expose a thought, feeling, or behavior that they want to be free of, those of us who are walking in healing need to be just as brave enough to walk with them on that journey or direct them to someone who has the capacity to do so.

It can’t be dismissed, disregarded, or downplayed.

The truth is, there is nothing good, beneficial, or long lasting about pornography use & self-stimulation. The “reward” is temporary, & whatever drives you to use those things as a coping mechanism will still be there unless they are properly addressed through therapy, talking things out with a safe friend or family member, & connection to God (for those who believe).

I wish it didn’t take me almost 20 years to overcome, but I’m proud of where I am now. It’s only by the grace of God, the right therapist, the testimony of others, & prayer of a select few that I was able to slowly but surely get from false intimacy to freedom. I had to have the right people around me, rid myself of triggers &, most importantly, get to the root of the behavior so I could understand the true beliefs, desires, feelings, & emotions I had.

If you want to know more about my journey from false intimacy to freedom & how you can begin your own journey, click here or email brittany@yourenotfinished.com with questions about the workbook.

If you need additional resources for mental health, addiction, and suicide prevention, head over to the “get help” section. If you want to share your experience or tell your story or journey as someone with a diagnosed mental health or mood disorder in order to connect with & encourage others, & you’re OK with that being shared here on the YNF website, shoot an email to brittany@yourenotfinished.com or contact me through the site.

Anonymous submissions are welcome.