Lies Vs. Truths

i’m striving to be someone who tells the truth 100% of the time, even if it hurts me. some people might respect me for that, some people might run away from it as fast as they can… i think i’m prepared for both. anyway i said that to say that i think people should strive for the same thing, especially those with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

from experience, i can say that it’s a good 7-8 times easier to believe lies when you struggle with these things. more often than not, it’s those negative thoughts that are on repeat that drive us mad. depressive episodes, anxiety attacks.. i truly believe that lies are the main triggers. the lie that we aren’t good enough, the lie that we can’t get better, the lie that there is no hope, the lie that no one will ever love us, the lie that we won’t amount to anything, that we are weak… you get the point by now. a bad experience with a person we have placed significance on is stored in our memory, a lie is created from that experience, and then if someone reminds us of that experience we can get stuck on it and put the lie on repeat.

so how do we get those lies out of here? with love, which happens to be the truth. in all relationships and friendships one of the deepest ways of showing love is by being truthful. in our relationships with ourselves it’s possibly the best way. we can show love to ourselves, but we first have to stop believing the lies that are on replay in our minds and fill our minds and hearts with positivity.

the truth is we ARE good enough, we WILL get better, there IS hope, we ARE ALREADY loved, we have BRIGHT FUTURES, and we are STRONG. bad experiences in the past do not mean they will carry on into the future. we can change our future by loving ourselves first. changing the negatives into positives. let the truths prevail over the lies and it gets better, survivors.

7 responses to “Lies Vs. Truths”

  1. tom Avatar
    tom

    From the perspective or a non depressed person with happy relationships with a depressed person, lying is often necessary. The truth is unnecessarily harsh often enough. For example, a lady I knew once tried and failed at a sexual act with me. She wasn’t good enough. If I had told her though that she wasn’t good enough at it she’d have had the negative thoughts you mentioned from the truth. She’d have gotten depressed that she sucked in bed. I lied and told her it was wonderful but could she try to do it differently. White lies protect you from what you fear.

    Onto another point.

    Reality isn’t always happy and peppy. Sometimes you’re not good enough, you’re not getting better, and hope isn’t bright, love is a lot less intense than it should be. As a guy, I have to know this. It’s basic male female relationship advice that if your woman is complaining you should listen and not tell her she’s wrong and that it’s all rosy and will be better and try to fix her. Positive thinking is stressful and soul crushing. Feels much better to complain about how much everything sucks, especially if you’re female.

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    1. You're Not Finished Avatar
      You’re Not Finished

      interesting point of view.

      but i believe that just because something or someone is in the present, it doesn’t mean that they will be in the future. just because that lady wasn’t good enough for you, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t the best for someone else. just because someone doesn’t fit for one thing, it doesn’t mean they aren’t fit for something else or good enough for anything. hope might not be bright in the moment, but it always gets better. love is less intense for someone who doesn’t put in the work to make it so. the reality is, people, myself included need to make the choice daily to live better lives and think better thoughts. to get help if they need it from someone who will be honest with them (i.e. a therapist or mental health counselor, or a true friend). there are nice ways of telling the truth. lying to someone doesn’t make them a better person, it keeps them the same. it prevents them from growing. telling the truth is an act of love and promotes growth. for example, if you had told your lady friend hey why don’t you try doing [fill in the blank] then it could have had a positive result. she would have been better. positive thinking builds strength and courage, my friend, and promotes action. complaining, like lying, changes nothing. in some instances it could make life worse than it really is.

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  2. tom Avatar
    tom

    Thank you.

    That lady’s technique was terrible. Objectively terrible. But she improved. I knew she would improve because she loved me and wanted to improve. My issue wasn’t that she was useless- it was that if I told her she sucked at it, she would be depressed. The truth would hurt her enough to stop her from functioning.

    The future doesn’t always get better. Sometimes it gets worse.

    With the love is less intense comment, I meant that sometimes the people you want to love you (family, friends, lovers) don’t love you as much as you’d hope. As you say, some don’t want to put in the work.

    While living a better life helps, I am not certain of the value of simply thinking better thoughts. That sort of thing is wonderful for your friends and family- it means they don’t have to listen to you complaining about how crap your life is- but I’ve often seen people get worse when they do that because the bile like thoughts inside them eat them up. It may not personally work for you, but talking about the issue is essential for a lot of people.

    Yes, lying to someone keeps them the same and prevents growth. And growth can be bad. You can grow worse. Then it’s good to lie. And I did suggest other things to do, as you suggested.

    Complaining about things allows you to relive the events in a safer context with someone you care about and rationalize what happened. It promotes action and healing for many people. I know in positive thinking circles it’s hated. That’s probably why lots of studies on positive thinking have shown positive thinking makes you feel worse.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7965608

    If you tell someone they’re einstein when they’re actually rather dumb they’ll probably feel worse as they’ll disbelieve your contradictory idea. If you tell someone everything will be ok when they know things are gonna get worse, well, I’ve seen the bad results. Complaining works better.

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    1. You're Not Finished Avatar
      You’re Not Finished

      again, your perspective is interesting; and one that i have struggled with in the past to be honest.

      but when would growth ever be bad? unless it’s a tumor or something? someone who is “growing worse” isn’t growing at all. growth in the way someone thinks and acts implies positivity and worse, the opposite. maturation vs. deterioration.

      i think there’s a difference between “complaining” and “venting.” the former is just talking to hear yourself talk, with no intent of finding a solution. the seemingly “blah blah blah” that someone who doesn’t care sits through. the latter is for someone who actually wants to listen and be helpful in finding a solution. in all cases of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts they are going to need professional help which incorporates positive thinking with positive action through therapy, medication, or both. in order to live effectively with these disorders one has to do both, not just one or the other. you can do positive things while still having bad thoughts, and have good thoughts but not be able to break bad habits, which is not growth. its stalemate.

      from a personal standpoint, i have to say that i will NEVER tell anyone what they want to hear. and neither will anyone who is out to genuinely be helpful to someone in need. as i said, there are a lot of less harsh ways to be truthful. it just comes down to whether or not people want to figure out how to do that. there are also times where it’s best not to say anything.

      for the purposes of this blog/site, and for my life goals really, its best to keep it 100% positive and realistic at the same time, which from my other blogs and other survivor stories here i truly believe i am accomplishing thus far. it would be a disservice to anyone reading these to sugarcoat anything or prevent others from speaking their minds, which is why i really appreciate your opinion.

      so thank you.

      all i’m trying to do is save at least one person’s life.

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    2. You're Not Finished Avatar
      You’re Not Finished

      i also want to note as i have before in previous blogs that i’m well aware that good things just don’t happen over night… it all takes time and real effort. i think you just inspired the next blog, tom. thanks again 🙂

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  3. tom Avatar
    tom

    Thanks. I wanted to come at this from a different perspective, from the outside.

    Famine grows worse in the horn of Africa. The way language works, growth doesn’t always imply positivity.

    If you tell a depressed person an insulting truth I know from experience that it will eat up at them and seriously hurt them. They will grow worse. They’re smart enough to know what I mean if I say nothing too. For example, this recent conversation I had, tweaked so that I don’t say anything bad.

    “Am I insane?”

    *Silence from me*

    How would you interpret that? Knowing that anything I say will be taken to heart.

    “i think there’s a difference between “complaining” and “venting.” the former is just talking to hear yourself talk, with no intent of finding a solution.”

    There often isn’t much of a solution. Depressed people often live a life where they have to repeatedly confront their stressors. And I’ve heard from numerous people the value of talking to hear yourself talk with no intent of finding a solution. It sharply lowers their stress levels and makes them feel better about their-selves and the situation. It doesn’t fix their problems but it helps them get through the day. As a lover of a depressed woman, why should I deny her that?

    “in all cases of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts they are going to need professional help which incorporates positive thinking with positive action through therapy, medication, or both.”

    Well, not all. The majority of people get better naturally over time, and social contact is well known to make many people heal. The quality of therapists varies greatly too, with many types not involving positive thinking. Some people are born healers, some aren’t.

    It’s also very easy to get into a bad place with half arsed therapy too. I know that cognitive behavioural therapy has a proven effect in reducing depression, but the vague “think happy thoughts” idea is far from the structured way that cbt heals people and can just lead to people confirming their low self esteem with contradictory happy thoughts. DIY jobs can always have accidents.

    “from a personal standpoint, i have to say that i will NEVER tell anyone what they want to hear.”

    Your choice, but that can be quite soul destroying to people. Sometimes a little white lie is just what the doctor ordered.

    “for the purposes of this blog/site, and for my life goals really, its best to keep it 100% positive and realistic at the same time, which from my other blogs and other survivor stories here i truly believe i am accomplishing thus far.”

    Negativity has its value. I’m sure there are negative people out there who are depressed and think they’re the only ones having such crappy thoughts. Knowing they’re not the only ones hurting by hearing your problems can make them feel better. They’re not alone anymore. You’ve probably noticed stuff like that from reading survivor stories.

    “it would be a disservice to anyone reading these to sugarcoat anything or prevent others from speaking their minds, which is why i really appreciate your opinion. ”

    Thank you.

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    1. You're Not Finished Avatar
      You’re Not Finished

      “Negativity has its value. I’m sure there are negative people out there who are depressed and think they’re the only ones having such crappy thoughts. Knowing they’re not the only ones hurting by hearing your problems can make them feel better. They’re not alone anymore. You’ve probably noticed stuff like that from reading survivor stories.”

      we are saying the same thing, almost. the difference in my POV and yours is that the survivor stories (my own included) are turning negatives into positives, which is what the purpose of this entire thing is. its supposed to show that there are going to be times where we’re going to still struggle, but with help it gets better over time. i don’t mean to oversimplify the recovery process and as i believe other blogs here indicate, i don’t. i have to look at the the bigger picture, which is saving someone’s life. not trying to prove myself right, make people feel bad, or be “soul crushing” as you put it. its making my best attempt to put things in perspective and trying to challenge people to look for those positives within the negatives. when i say i won’t tell someone anything they want to hear you have to take the whole paragraph with that statement, since i said also after that “there are a lot of less harsh ways to be truthful. it just comes down to whether or not people want to figure out how to do that.”

      at any rate, since i am looking at the bigger picture i will say that we should probably just agree to disagree because as i said this blog/site needs to be 100% positive and realistic at the same time. while i respect your opinion and wouldn’t try to prevent you from expressing it (as if i could) it is becoming counterproductive to continue what is now turning into a debate. in the grand scheme of things, we need to realize that people are struggling with mental disorders and killing themselves as a result. that needs to be stopped. so i need to continue doing what it takes to make sure that people don’t even make the attempt. if my approach keeps people alive, great. if your approach does, awesome. all i want to do is be helpful in any possible way that i can, keep the focus on preventing suicide, and again turning the negatives into positives with any and all possible efforts.

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