September #depression #suicideprevention

this story is hard to tell, so please try to bare with me/sympathize/something else nice you could do…

i don’t remember the exact date in September, for blogging purposes i will say the 21st.. but i don’t think it matters at this point. the whole month up until that day was pretty terrible because i was having what is now called a depressive episode (previously called “trying to get attention”), and on a wait list to begin therapy again. i was drinking pretty heavily 3 times a week, which is probably the worst thing you could do with depression and anxiety, but SOMEHOW i was managing to make it to work and function somewhat normally. i think it was because i figured as long as i had at least one person who believed in me (my best friend), i could hold out til therapy began. then things would start to fall back together. unfortunately for me, i couldnt have been more wrong.

4 days before September 21st i got into a huge fight with my best friend.

backstory (you can skip this if you want): if you look back at my “lies vs truths” post its relevant, because i decided to be honest with her and MAN ALIVE did that piss her off. so much so that she shut off her phone and cut off the convo. as someone who hates when anyone does that i told her that maybe she wouldnt have to deal with me anymore… something i admit that i shouldnt have said because a) i dont give up on people that easily.. or ever (especially her) and b) it was interpreted WAY wrong. she thought i meant i was going to attempt suicide (something i had done 2 years prior and talked with her about) when i meant, i was going to shut her out for a while. which i never wanted to do, but when you’re upset you say stuff you dont mean. she freaked out and thought i had tried to kill myself, later thinking i was ignoring her calls on purpose but it turned out my terrible ass phone sometimes doesn’t get missed calls and boy was that the WRONG day for my phone to do that. she got re-mad (yes i made that word up) and told me we need to have a talk, which freaked ME out. come on now when anyone says “we need to have a serious talk” its no where near good. two nights later i get extremely drunk and text her something along the lines of “i cant wait to hear you tell me that you dont wanna be friends” and some other stuff (probably the dumbest thing ive ever done, drunk OR sober) and the next day the friendship was over, as she told me exactly what i was expecting to hear. the crazy thing about that is… all this had taken place in about 4 days. a 4 year friendship ended in 4 days. the fight was on Sunday… the friendship ended on Wednesday. the one person i thought loved me & would never leave (her words, not mine) dipped out with the quickness and i thought my life was over. 

now to the point, and if you read all that, thank you. it was September 21st and the closest friend i had was gone. like 15 minutes later she changed her phone # i had no way of explaining myself or trying to fix the situation. soon after i got on facebook, told her i was gonna end it and i got dressed immediately to make my way to do so. i made a couple calls as i was on my way and right before i hit my destination i got a call from a blocked number. i thought it was that girl, but it turns out it was the police dispatch.. who got me calm enough to tell me that it was my now ex best friend who had called 911…. wait hold on… you want NOTHING to do with me because i’m such a bad friend and do things on purpose to get attention but you call the police to save my life!!?? i was pissed. i felt like she just ruined my life and she now wanted me to live a ruined ass life… who does that? at any rate, about 20 minutes later i’m in the back of a police car handcuffed crying my eyes out because i know that i’m going to a psych ward for at least a few days (as i had done this before). i was there for a little over a week, and while i was still upset with how things were i knew i wasnt allowed to give up. it was the 2nd time id tried and its the 2nd time id failed…. the 3rd time would probably not be the charm. on constant suicide watch i was eased into getting help, going on meds, and quitting drinking.

sidenote: meds aren’t for everyone, including me, and i am now off those meds. get the help that is best suitable for you. 

the snap decision for her to end the friendship led to the snap decision for me to attempt suicide… neither of us were very good at thinking things all the way thru when we knew each other. but i know now that thats something i wont do again, and i cant speak for her, but i also know how to be the type of person who really thinks things over before saying and doing things. i never again want what i say and do to be a burden on anyone, i never wanted that in the first place. so for those of you who know who i am, i’m very sorry for all that i’ve done. please trust that i am making my best efforts to stay well, and look forward to seeing what the future holds because i’m, apparently, not finished.

if YOU ever read this, thank you for calling the police.

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