hopefully those who have been following YNF since the beginning know that i’m not trying to make it seem like recovery from depression, suicidal thoughts, or anxiety is a walk in the park.
to prove it, i would like to get a little more personal with you by telling you how my mind works sometimes… yes, there’s more.
i DON’T like how my mind works. i could be having a great time with a friend, just as i was yesterday, then be left alone for about 20 minutes & start remembering mistakes i’ve made in the recent or not so recent past.. then i start to be hard on myself and consider trying to live in a way that only benefits others. thinking that i can and will hurt myself just to please someone else so they aren’t mad at me. so i don’t disappoint them.
this has been happening a lot as of late… ever since i wrote “September.” i’ve been dealing with that as effectively as i can, but that was the first time i was completely open about it. since then, i have been thinking about my ex friend. everyday. at dull moments when i’m not a work or a doc appointment (because that is what i do most nowadays). i think about how i want to undo those 4 days. how i want t0 fix it. how i wish that hadn’t changed my life. how i don’t want to push others away because of that, but i do it anyway. i can honestly say that THAT moment has changed my life significantly more than any other in the last 4 or 5 years. and i’ve been thru a lot, so that’s saying a lot.
as open as i am, i am closed off at the same time. think about it.. no one really knows who i am (and by that i mean my name or how i look) other than friends & fam who know i’m trying to run a site. and even then, as terrible as this sounds, its kind of nice knowing that they don’t really read anything i write. if they do know they are REALLY great at acting like they don’t care about any of it. which is sad if that’s the case. at any rate i said all of that to say that at the moment, because of September plus a couple of other things, i feel like i can’t handle someone acting like they care just to walk away when things get hard.
sure its been 7 months since that happened and part of me believes that may have been a blessing in disguise, but apparently thats not long enough to get over it. that experience changed my life so much that i can no longer tell when someone genuinely cares and when they don’t. i can’t see when someone is asking how i am out of obligation. i can’t see the difference and that’s no way to live. but in spite of my lack of discernment, i still have to press forward. as i have said before, i am apparently not finished yet. i’m not allowed to give up. i don’t have permission to throw in the towel. its. not. an. option. and if you as the reader can relate then it applies to you as well.
who am i kidding… you can relate in some way whether you have overcome something like this or are going through it, which means it applies. it also means that it can and will get better from here. because i know that, i’ve decided to be brave and NOT remain anonymous to the general twitter/wordpress/facebook/world followers. more to come soon, survivors. 😉