i’m not sure if i shared this with you already, but i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder last year.

it had been RIDICULOUS up until January, as I would have an anxiety attack at least once a day. once a day turned into once a week.. they became easier to deal with. i was getting better up until about 2 weeks ago. before then my stressors would be certain memories & events; or people saying or doing things that really bothered me but i would just let it go and not deal with…. or being overwhelmed with other’s issues.

now its more of a social anxiety.. its just being around people that bothers me. the fear of saying or doing the wrong things… the fear of hurting someone… even people trying to get to know me. i question their motives for wanting to do so and clam up when people ask too many questions. truth be told, as i have said before, i really have no way of knowing when someone is genuine anymore, and if they are i don’t want to hurt them by just being myself…

WOW right? its a lot to deal with. oh and by the way i work at a theme park, so that’s even worse haha. the crazy thing is, its not the guests/customers that get to me… its coworkers. and whats even more interesting is that… up until recently, i’ve been a people person. like i could talk to anyone and just be naturally cool with them, regardless of any anxiety or depression i am recovering from. but last night after work, i found myself almost running away from people after clocking out because i knew an anxiety attack was just around the corner. i know i can’ tell my coworkers about this so i have to come off mean and guarded… i can’t tell them i have anxiety issues, but i have no problem being open to anyone else. weird.

that’s gonna change though, because i have to be open to EVERYONE in spite of my fear. i know just the way to do it, but its not the right time. until then just wish me luck at work today, survivors. its time to be a little braver today than i was yesterday 🙂