just because you ask someone to be honest with you it doesn’t mean they will, and loving someone doesn’t obligate them to love you back.
because of that it (and more) seems like we have to trust more than anything else. we have to trust people with our thoughts, feelings, secrets, and innermost desires… we have to trust that people WILL be honest and love us back and we have to do that more than we sometimes want to. at least it’s that way for me. i have to trust that a therapist, someone i don’t know who is getting paid to listen to me, actually has my best interests at heart.. i have to trust that my employer will pay me on time and the correct amount.. i have to trust that people don’t have ulterior motives, including those closest to me. i have to trust that i’m good enough as i am. i have to trust my instincts. i have to trust God… and needless to say i have trust issues.
but i have to do it anyway… i have to trust because i want to believe in those things. i hope for the best. i have faith that i will be stronger. i can’t have hope & faith without trust. i can’t have trust without courage. i can’t have courage without fear… the being scared that something won’t happen as i imagine it to, but stepping forward in spite of it. which i guess means that having at least a little fear might not be so bad. it makes us human. and then once you do move forward anyway it seems to build character, regardless if the outcome is good or seemingly not so good.
its amazing how a moment in life can transform you into a person you never imagined you would be; but eventually the person you were meant to be. thats what has happened to me and i guess thats when staying alive finally meant something. the bad moments in my life caused me to want to end it, but the more i LIVE, the more looking back on those bad moments make me stronger. the more i learn from them. the more i realize how much better i am without the people who walked away. the more i know i can inspire people who might go thru the same things i have. the more i value moments of weakness because i cannot achieve strength without them. the more i see that being myself is awesome & i don’t wanna be anyone else. and i don’t want to miss the chance at being a better version of me by cutting my life short.
i thought i lost everything last year… but thinking about it now i realize i had nothing to lose and so much to gain. maybe i was holding on to some things & people who were making me rot & sucking life out of me. maybe i was in denial.. trying to fix something that should have stayed broken. maybe it doesn’t matter because the fact is i’m freer than i’ve ever been, in spite of any struggles or stumbling blocks, and its only going to get better from here. i trust that for myself, and i trust that for you as well survivors.