now that i really think about it, since i’ve been dealing/have dealt with depression, anxiety, alcoholism, addiction, and even self harm at one point i’ve had a life filled with limitations… i felt i couldn’t do what made me happy because i was depressed or anxious. i felt i couldn’t be completely happy unless i was drunk, which lead to addiction… and i would hurt myself because i didn’t want to feel emotional pain. no one could see my scars and bruises because of the stigma attached to self harm, so i felt i couldn’t tell anyone about my feelings. i didnt find out until recently that with time, i can eventually control my bad thoughts & habits… that that wasn’t all there was to me. some of those limitations i admittedly put on myself, maybe out of fear of failure… not realizing that not trying is failing in itself.
needless to say even with that realization i always have to push past something to get to where i need to be or do what i need to do. there is always an obstacle. sure it makes me stronger in the end, but sometimes i don’t feel like being strong. to be honest, as of late i’ve just wanted to hide out & live in complete and total isolation. from what i hear, isolation is sickness, and i have to agree. all i would do is sit and stew in my own mental illness, with little hope of getting better and more chances to get worse.
but there’s still this little voice inside my head that i have that tells me i’m not meant to be in the outside world.. that i have to be caged up so i don’t scratch anyone who gets to close.. that i have to be subdued so i don’t suck the life out of anyone.. that i have to stay quiet because my thoughts and feelings are too.. damn… loud. even a whisper is too much. i need to keep my hands, feet, and mental illness to myself because society, “friends,” and even some family say/believe so.
yet i push forward… not in isolation. not in silence. what many see as bad or evil i have the opportunity to use for good. i almost didn’t have this opportunity on a couple of occasions, but i can honestly say that i feel that my life is better than i thought it would be. i have to fight every day, but i have enough stamina and strength to win… so does anyone else who has to deal with anything like this. they just have to see it for themselves. i will help them see it. i will help YOU see it, survivors.