i have to be honest… this whole idea of recovery is kicking my butt; probably in a good way, though.

for example, today i was on my way to work and i started to feel weird, but i knew i had to shake it off because i have a job to do. feeling weird turned into feeling extremely dizzy and nauseous, and it was something i couldn’t ignore anymore. i had to call in sick, come back home, and attempt to recover.

in the same way, i try to shake it off when i feel an anxiety attack or a bout of depression coming on. but doing so can turn into a feeling that i just cannot ignore anymore and i have to go back to the drawing board, remember what was taught to me in therapy and other lessons i’ve learned, and attempt to recover.

recovery is a weird concept to me because i was always taught to “just deal with it” or put things off to the side because this life isn’t about me. its about helping others. there are other people worse off than me so how dare i complain about being sad. stop being a baby and grow up. that’s what society implies… that’s what families instill in their children… that’s what myself and others been bombarded with for most of our lives.

but there’s a lot of pressure that comes with that, because i have to be brave every day… i have to smile when i’m hurting so much on the inside… i have to be a light and have a positive attitude so my depression & anxiety doesn’t rub off on others (it can sometimes be contagious), when most times as of late all i wanna do is just physically isolate and write blogs for this site.. which hopefully is helping at least one person by this point.

there are many people who feel that they have to deal with the pressure alone & contain how they really feel because others think it is for “the greater good” or the “well-being” of community. but i don’t see how anyone feeling alone and/or hurting themselves can be for the good of community; especially when community itself implies that people take care of each other and that they are not alone.

recovery is pretty difficult, but not impossible, and it gives hope for redemption. as much as i want to give up sometimes, i want more to redeem myself and show others that i’m not my mental disorders. i was watching American Ninja Warrior last night and a story came on about a guy who had partied way too much and lost his way, but then found solace in his new friends, new business, and training for the show. i thought it was inspiring because i was someone who struggled MAJORLY with alcohol as well and i thought i could never recover or redeem myself from being an addict, but i have. he uses his talents to help others and strengthen himself, and i want nothing more but to do the same.

if we can do that, then i know you can do it too.