Knowing Vs. Believing #suicideprevention #depression

last year and into this year, my problem was not only that i was dealing with depression and anxiety; but that i tried to fight it with my own willpower. lets face it… a lot of us can’t even fight the urge to eat a candy bar, let alone combat mental illness.

by trying to fight these giants myself i realized i was only making things worse; because not only was i being punished by friends, ex-friends, and some family for what i was going through (because of the stigma attached to all mental illnesses), i was punishing myself for trying to deal with it, then suppressing it with alcohol and other dysfunctional habits. i drove myself crazy trying to prove to everyone that this wasn’t me… that i was better than this.. that i was above it.. but all i did was give it more power over me.

what changed things for me was finally believing that its ok to ask for help. i mean, i KNEW it was ok for others to do so, but i didn’t BELIEVE it for myself, which made all the difference. i had so many barriers in my life (mostly people) that pushed independence when dealing with issues such as this. i felt so different because, to be honest, i was and sometimes i still am a needy kid. one can imagine how hard it is to be dependent in a life full of people who make it a point to keep others at bay. one can imagine how hard it is to suppress their own needs to make sure the rest of the world they live in is comfortable.

don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with independence, but when does it turn into pride and egotism? the point where people make themselves so big that they now punish others and make them feel worthless for needing a boost from someone else? people like me are not supposed to question how they live their lives, but they can make assumptions and judgments about how we deal with something that more often than not we can’t control? give me a break.

it took a lot of hope, faith, and grace for me to really figure out that i’m wonderfully made to be who i was created to be.. flaws and all. i receive(d) all of that with help, not on my own. i still struggle with self doubt sometimes but i know i can call on my help or at least remember what it has taught me in the hard times. i can also pay it forward and help others who are in the same boat as i am.

because of help i, Lord willing, will make it to see 26 in 5 days. not that long ago i didn’t even care if i made it to the next day, but now… i’m excited to see what this life has in store for me. i can’t wait to see how much better it will get from here, and i can’t wait to show others the same for themselves.

have a great day survivors, and if you need help. please go get it. don’t let anyone stop you from getting what you truly deserve…. what is rightfully yours. there are plenty of resources on this site (“Get Help” section), the Facebook page, and on the rest of the net that can get you back to life and help you start over.

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