after my first suicide attempt, at least for a short time, people wanted to know who they should blame for me trying to take my life. i even had an old friend throw the blame on me when they asked, “how did you let it get this far?”
it’s funny because at the time, i really did think i was the one to blame for all the things that led up to the attempt. i felt that somehow i deserved bad things to happen to me because i was always making mistakes and hurting the people i loved, causing them to leave me. prior to my second attempt, someone sent me a text explaining why they were giving up on me… the text included “[the psychiatrist they spoke to] said you have a syndrome, and that’s why people walk away from you…”
how dare i have “a syndrome,” an unnamed one at that, that i can’t control that pisses people off so much that they would rather cut me off and act like i never existed? you know what i think i was asked what disorder.. op, excuse me, SYNDROME i wanted and picked the one that i KNEW would SURELY hurt people on purpose and leave me lonely because, after all, that’s the reason why people walk away from me. because of something i chose to live with, right?
sarcasm aside, i’m sure that’s how most other people who attempt suicide actually feel.. that they brought it on themselves. but what that would mean is what i implied earlier… that they are in full control of their own lives… that they created themselves to be self-destructive… that they.. i’m sorry.. WE want this lifestyle and choose to hurt the people we love. wow.
but to be fair, i understand that it is easier to jump to conclusions than it is to search for the real answers. even people with “syndromes” like mine have an easier time trying to come up with their own reasoning than digging deeply for the truth. digging and searching takes more energy than most are willing to expend. but i feel its what must be done to take preventative measures on suicide. to stop the attempts before they happen. we need to end the stigma by picking people’s brain to see what is causing so much pain that it becomes seemingly unbearable, and we must realize that there are MANY people going through this… that it can’t be swept under the rug or brushed aside any longer.
even further, i believe that its almost impossible to place blame or accurate cause… ESPECIALLY if we jump to incorrect conclusions. who does that help anyway? today i challenge you as survivors to try to remember that everyone is fighting some kind of battle and be graceful. you never know who you might impact positively.