last night i went out with a couple of friends to karaoke night (against my better judgement as i’ve been trying to keep to myself for the most part as of late) for a while and towards the end of the outing someone sang “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis, which is a HUGE trigger for me and i wanted to leave instantly.
first of all, why would anyone be singing THAT at a bar or even allowed to? second of all, if you’ve ever heard that song its quite literally one of the most depressing songs one could hear, i mean the title does give it away…. and thirdly, if you’ve seen “Girl Interrupted” you would know that song is associated with suicide. before i grew to, well, despise that song i actually used it to feed my desire to die. i listened to it over and over because it validated my depression… it made it ok. as most of you who follow the blog know i attempted suicide twice, and it was the second time i felt that song was most relevant to reasons i should die. for MANY reasons i will not put the lyrics to the song here or the actual song itself, but trust me when i say its relevant. its brings my past to the present every time i hear it and i start to hate myself all over again.
for one, it made me realize that to some i will always be the depressed chick who attempted suicide. ALWAYS. lets face it, certain people like labels and will stick to them out of pure ignorance and comfort. i don’t want to put that label on myself which is very important, but its human nature to be concerned about how people perceive you. the fact that i still care about others’ perception of me is irritating to say the least, but i manage (apparently).
another note to point out is, there is a part of me that still feels extremely guilty for feeling suicidal. i get that more often than not it wasn’t something i couldn’t control because i didn’t know how, but i feel bad for the people who genuinely cared if i wasn’t around anymore. i know that hurt them and as i’ve said before, all i want to do with the rest of my life is make it up to them and to myself.
i very clearly remember just crying and playing that song on my phone over and over.. watching “Girl Interrupted” and sometimes rewinding the part where that song plays.. to live a life in where you’re obsessed with death is extremely taxing. and my addictive personality didn’t help the fact that somewhere deep inside i wanted this to end.
luckily for me i was stopped from committing suicide and after being hospitalized i knew that i had to make serious changes in my life, and it compelled me to help others who go through that struggle as well. if you hear or see something that triggers negative energy please run away from it. if you resist it, you will be free from it. don’t play into it.. don’t contribute to your own demise. keep fighting and don’t give up…
as i’ve said before, it gets better… and i will continue to show you as living proof.