this one is personal.
well, they all are really but this one is going to be specific….
most of the time i’m able to push through whatever negative feelings i may be having at the moment. for the past few days however its been somewhat of a different story. i’m kind of at the point where i feel stuck in the house, not able to have effective interactions with people, not even able to go to work (as evidenced by me calling out today). i have no real desire to do much other than lay down in the fetal position in front of the tv… maybe order a pizza. thats it. i can’t even cry at the moment, but my numbness is allowing me to be OK with that and although i am aware of it, there’s seemingly nothing that can be done other than to ride it out… key word: SEEMINGLY.
its because of days like this that i have to make a conscious effort to process how i feel when i feel it, because avoiding feelings and not acknowledging that those feelings may be valid leads to an overload… to the point where i can’t function properly.
the reason i’m opening up about this is because not only is it helpful to me to do so (it aids in recovery), but i know others go through the same thing but they feel like they can’t say anything. i mean who really understands feeling depressed to the point where they almost can’t function other than someone else who’s going through it? who else really wants to?
the purpose of these blogs i write (and the survivor stories on the yourenotfinished.com page) are to make sure people have someone that gets it. not someone who will patronize them, make them feel invalid, stigmatize them… this isn’t about that. its about creating community within the chaos and seeking help with others. its what keeps me from trying to take my life a third time… and i’m sure is what keeps others alive. hopefully it can help keep you alive, too.