DISCLAIMER: seriously, DO NOT READ if seeing/reading about self-harm causes you to do so. others doing it does not make it ok. it shows you’re not alone, but it is NEVER ok to harm yourself. for any reason.
last week i had what people like to call an out of body experience.
not really, but something LIKE that.
i was watching a TV show (one that i’m not sure i should name but one probably most of the world will be able to guess) and this particular episode was focused on a young male who harmed himself to deal with his anger. he would burn himself and punch or hit himself with any object, if not his own fists.
it was literally like looking myself in the face, and i wasn’t sure how to feel. rather, i felt many different emotions and i didn’t know which i felt the most. i was almost in disbelief because it was in that moment that i realized that that was how i looked not so long ago. i mean i knew why i hurt myself in that way but i never knew that was how it LOOKED. then i felt compassion for the kid because i knew that he felt as i did and sometimes still feel… that feeling of not being good enough for anyone, even himself.
i used to hit myself on a daily basis. i rarely cut because i wasn’t too keen on doing so, but hitting seemed to stop the emotional bleeding in the manic moments i would have.
i did it for years from the time i was 12 or 13 until 25 (i’m 26 now), and no one was aware i was harming myself until i was about 22. i told my boyfriend at the time that i would do that to “punish myself” not realizing it was even an issue until he expressed concern. seriously, as smart as i thought i was i had no idea that what i was doing was self-harm. i’m not even sure if i knew what self harm was, i just knew it wasn’t “normal” (if that word even has meaning anymore), but i didn’t know it was an outward expression of how i felt about my inner self and how i felt others felt about me. i felt other people hated me, so i would lash out on myself before they had a chance to unleash their hate on me.
as i implied earlier it took 12 or 13 years to realize that this was something i needed to stop doing and feeding into. i first needed to admit that i was still doing it and that it was a problem before i could solve it… and amazingly enough i was only forced to do so after my 2nd hospitalization and suicide attempt.
i write all of this because i want to lead people to make the choice to get help to stop hurting themselves…. i mean one shouldn’t be at the edge of the cliff to realize that they need help because what if a trigger makes them slip off the edge? its what almost happened to me and had someone not intervened i wouldn’t be here writing this today.
going back to last week’s experience: after the episode they plugged a website called Half of Us (@ http://www.halfofus.com) which offers alternate ways to cope with depression, anxiety, loss, suicidal thoughts, and many other things life decides to throw at us, and i believe its a great resource. check it out if you can, and don’t be afraid to communicate your thoughts and feelings with someone who can help.
make the choice to save yourself because you are worth it.