i’ve developed this TERRIBLE habit of completely holding all of my emotions in due to the fear and stigma that comes with being open.
100% hypocritical on my part because i’ve pushed for openness throughout this whole blog.. well… its the purpose of it. to encourage other to be open and free, yet i can’t do it myself. my habit has become so terrible that apparently i have started to have anxiety attacks in my sleep and have come to realize i am only feeding my disorder more by isolating.
every time i feel what i like to call “real feelings” (called so because the majority of other people in my life can’t stand when i’m serious, have an anxiety attack, or have a depressive episode) i shut down. i think i’m even literally run away because i’ve allowed myself to believe that it is not OK for me to express myself. its OK for others to do it, sure, but never for me.
i based that belief on what has happened to me in the past and present every time i’ve opened up… so i figured, why do it? and since i don’t want others to feel like i do, i have offered myself or supplied other resources as a listening ear or a healing tool. but i have been forced to realize that i need to practice what i preach and there is no reason why we can’t get help together. this is about community and making sure that people who have mental health issues have another place to express themselves and relate to others.
my tendency to retreat when something serious happens or when i am faced with a trigger has led to my relapse, something i didn’t want to admit could happen. this is something i just knew i had control over… turns out denial can really bite you in the ass and, if experienced by someone who is hypersensitive to certain triggers, can really have damaging physical effects.
i’m about to walk the talk and get help.. i’ve actually already started, and i hope i have encouraged someone else to do the same.
peace and love, survivors.