I think I have finally figured out why my anxiety has been so high lately…

I HATE the month of September.

yes, hate is a strong word but i really couldn’t find another word that could accurately describe how I feel about this month. it the month where everything started to unravel last year (2011), and i was working on going back to therapy. it was the month where i felt overworked and underpaid at my job… where i felt like i was being replaced… where i felt unloved the most… where i started drinking more and more… where the person who i thought was the best friend i had ever had and the only true friend i had who got how screwed up i was, but knew i wanted to get help, walked away and never looked back. its the month i attempted suicide and stayed in a mental health facility… this is the month when i completely lost myself and, i felt, any real hope at a happy ending.

i wonder if anyone else involved in the events that took place last year remembers them as vividly as i do. if they remember it ACCURATELY and not with a jaded perception. if they are thanking God they don’t have to deal with me because i’m out of sight… if for them September was the month that they realized that this chick (to them) was a nutcase, which justified all of their actions towards me. after wondering if that matters, the truth is IT DOESN’T. AND IT NEVER WILL.

i remember being in that mental health hospital… going through group therapy sessions and wanting to just go home each time. acting like i was ok so i could be released faster yet crying my eyes out in the bathroom of the room i shared. i felt like i had to hide my pain at home AND in the place where i was supposed to get help. but then 2 days before i left i actually started to feel like i wasn’t alone and it was ok to need help… and its was ok to ask for it.

i left knowing i would have to rebuild my life… start from scratch. every trigger of bad thoughts needed to be removed from my life. i needed to focus on the people who WANTED to be there and loved me for me. i needed to do the best i could and accept that my best is awesome and its only going to get better. i don’t need to overdo anything. and as time progressed, i knew that i needed to share my experiences with others so that they weren’t alone. so that it doesn’t take a suicide attempt for them to realize how valuable they are.. so that they don’t have to go through what i went through and sometimes still deal with. i learned that other people believing that you should deal with everything on your own does not make it true. 

this is why suicide prevention is important to me. to encourage love, support, and community… to end stigma… to save lives.