so its been a while since i’ve posted anything, and its because for the last month and a half i have been thinking (probably over-thinking) about how i should continue with advocacy; IF i should.
if you have been following my blogs since the beginning or for a while, you would know this is strictly for using personal stories including mine to provide insight and spread awareness about suicide… how to spot if someone is suicidal, how to help someone you know that is suicidal, and to provide proof that this is a very real thing that needs to be addressed more now than it has ever been.
most of the YNF followers know of my personal experience, but what i have failed to be honest about is how i still continue to deal with this on a daily basis, so much so that i have begun to question if i embarked on this grassroots advocacy journey a little sooner than i should have; because for the last month and a half or so i have been acting as if my anxiety and depression don’t exist and/or making every attempt (every bad attempt at that) to suppress it only to have it come out stronger than i ever wanted it to. its proof, for me anyway, that there is no such thing as “out of sight, out of mind.” its only wishful thinking and every time (in my life at least) i have tried to hold something in it has hurt my more than helped.
now that i think about it, that is really no way to live… what kind of person would i be if i just acted like a part of me didn’t exist? what kind of person will i become if i continue to act this way? and how i will continue raising awareness about suicide, depression, and anxiety disorders if i act like i am unaware of how it is truly effecting me? the truth is, i believe in being brave in spite of any adversity/road blocks/detours/ whatever it is that tries to get in your way. i don’t think my pride will let me stop being an advocate for suicide prevention. not now, not ever.
should i take a break from time to time to regroup? absolutely. everyone should. but never should i stop because that would be a huge disservice to anyone who might struggling as i have or am, and doing so is detrimental to my own recovery. i know from recent and not so recent experiences that holding things in and withholding any if not all of who you are from others only make the life you have to live harder than it ever needs to be. it creates a bigger lie, it intensifies any negative feelings, it makes you rage war on yourself, and it could potentially have tragic consequences. as someone who isn’t a fan of any of that, i’d rather live my life honestly in order to show others that you can overcome a life with mental disorders.. yes i am still dealing with them, but i have more hope and faith now than i ever have that myself and everyone else i will encounter will come out victorious.