I usually don’t write about depression, and if I do I kind of gloss over it. I’m not specific about it I just glue it together with everything else without giving it the attention it deserves… and I think I do that because I never wanted to tap into the memories that come with thinking about the deepest episodes of depression I have ever experienced. Until now, that is.
Even though I like to be honest, for the last 2 years or so I have been dealing with my “episodes” as they are so called by myself and put up the funny front (perform) so people don’t ask me too many questions or run away when they discover the truth about who I am. When it feels too unbearable someone will catch me when I feel I am at my worst and deem it an over-dramatization of how I might actually feel… almost comical and entertaining.
At first it gave me more of a reason to shut down and shut out, but it wasn’t until recently I started to understand why people do that… and how the media takes people’s hurt and pain and turns it into entertainment. The news wants to get an “exclusive” look at how a kidnap victim feels about the pain she experienced by being kidnapped and later finding out that her family was murdered as well… TMZ/Paparazzi want to give you the inside scoop of a celebrity in her mental struggle… talk shows will zoom into a man’s face when he expresses genuine emotion… reality shows play up the emotion, and everyone tunes in, which makes it easier to be desensitized to real need. It makes it so much easier to believe that everybody is hurting somewhere and there’s nothing that you can do about it so you need to help yourself… at least you feel bad (maybe). They will get over it.
Contrary to popular belief, however there people who don’t or feel like they never will. I was one of those people. There are times where I still entertain that lie that I will always be known as the over-dramatic, attention-seeking depressed kid who can make people laugh but can’t help herself. What a train wreck, right? WRONG… because in this moment I am being led and encouraged to use all the burn ups and burnouts from my life to grow and help others see that beauty can come from those ashes.
It may not seem like it in the moment, but those times of suffering prepare people like us for bigger and better things. They don’t define us, they strengthen us. I am living proof that it pays to keep moving forward and you can be too. I feel freer than I ever have because I am using what I have been given to bring light and help others. I can see my value and you have help to realize yours with YNF and here: http://yourenotfinished.com/get-help/
It helps to reach out to people who really believe in you and see you for who you really are. The community helps me and I know it will help you too.
You are not alone in your depression and it will get better.
Finish well, survivors.