This One Is For The Survivors… #WSPD #WorldWithoutSuicide

Last night I kept thinking about how I’ve had to start over… to rebuild. There have been countless times where I have either needed to cut off specific triggers to give myself a chance at a better life or where I have been cut off and replaced because of who I was.

When thinking about that it’s so easy to get confused or bitter… to ask why the heck things keep happening and why you are left alone to pick up the pieces. I’m sure the confusion, bitterness, depression is more intense initially for someone who attempted suicide, but lived.

I know it was for me because after leaving the mental hospital and getting over (as much as I could) the thought that I am stuck in this world because no one will allow me to die, I went back to “the outside world” with the same expectations/pressures I had on me in the workplace and as an outcast in my personal life. Life goes on, right? The life I no longer wanted to live, continued. Seemed no one wanted me to die, but they didn’t want me to live either. To be human.

I will never forget trying to change my life all while being remembered by some and punished by others for my emotional outbursts (depressive episodes/anxiety attacks), alcohol addictions, promiscuity, and suicide attempts. I could make an honest expression of my desire to change and easily be shut down as if everyone knew I would always be a screw up, or emotionally unstable, or a slut, or a drunk, or an attention whore who tends to ruin people’s lives intentionally (their words, not mine).

Honestly, people are still punishing me for that… at least they think they are. People can take a dump all over my name for what I have done and remain oblivious to what I am doing because as long as I live (by the grace of God) I will be using my pain to bring someone else joy and the work I do now outweighs and outshines any bad thing I have done. I am more than making up for it and I won’t stop because I’m not finished doing it… you can’t stop because you aren’t either.

With time, recovery, love, and grace your life can turn around just as mine has… to the point where you don’t care what the naysayers think and are unashamed of your past or present. The future holds many possibilities, and since you are still alive you have a chance to see what those possibilities are. You are NOT alone, and there are plenty of organizations that will give you a soft place to land in order to help you rebuild on a stronger foundation.

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