The end of last year I was told by one of the wisest men I know to make sure that I always speak life… to watch what I say, even to myself.
Of course it didn’t resonate then as much as it does now.
Last night… oh wait a minute, scratch that, this weekend I had a bit of a meltdown. No one could really tell, however, and I’m not sure if anyone knows how I actually feel yet.
I should probably explain with less commas.
For a time after my birthday last year I sort of went into something of a seclusion. Not only did I want to protect myself from people being ridiculous and clearly not caring how I felt, I wanted to protect others from the seemingly terribly hard task of caring about me (common and tragic thought #1). Being a friend of mine is work… too much work. I require too much (common and tragic thought #2).
After the isolation period was over I managed to learn the lesson of the fact that I am human, with valid feelings, and that if I make the mistake of requiring something of someone who does not want to give that to me I can A) have the grace to realize that it is totally their choice to be that way and love on em regardless and B) look within myself to get what I am trying to get from others… I, along with everyone else for that matter, am fully equipped with enough love for myself and others (and if you feel you are not, there is help available: http://yourenotfinished.com/get-help/).
Then I realized about 2 weeks ago that knowing that doesn’t make stuff hurt any less, nor does it make it stop me from internalizing every foul act towards me. Fast forward to last night… with me thinking how I feel doesn’t matter and going back to the dark thoughts I haven’t thought about in months.
I know others go through this also, which is why I outed myself to the world today. I also shared this to stress the importance of taking every thought captive… thinking before you think. Even the words you say to yourself have just as much weight as the words others say to you. It is key to counter the negative thoughts with the positive opposites AS SOON as the thought enters your mind.
Dwelling on any negative thing can have deadly consequences. There’s help in the link above so make sure you take some time and look into those resources. You’re worth it.
Til next time, survivors. Finish well.