a man pouring a glass of water under cloudy sky

Distance Brings Clarity

“I feel better when we don’t speak.”

That’s what I want to say but haven’t had the courage or desire to. 
At the same time & I don’t feel the need to, & I imagine experiences like this are why ghosting is so tempting & popular among so many people.

But the truth is, I feel more confidence, joy, & peace when there is distance. 
A weight I didn’t know existed has been lifted. I can perceive things more clearly. 
I feel wiser & more mature.
I even feel closer to God.

Distance shouldn’t feel this good… it never has before. I usually lament over a loss or change in connection but today, I feel thankful.

Lamenting over someone you were once close to is understandable, especially after spending a significant amount of time, energy, & resources on them & maintaining a connection with them. But people take for granted what happens after the tears have been wiped away.

For this connection, in particular, it felt like a veil had been removed. I was able to, with a sober mind, therapy, & help from a wise friend, see events over the timeline of our connection for what they really were, the mistakes I made along the way, & how much I fit into a role & character that was beneficial only for the other person.

Cause even though things were not all bad, the fact of the matter is that it was growth that caused the biggest conflict & ultimately a rift in the connection. Growth will always do that, especially if within the connection between the two only one of them chooses to do so.

When you take an assessment of your friendships or romantic relationship you have to ask yourself:

Do they respect me? Do I respect them?
How does this person make me feel? Am I taking their feelings into account with my words/actions?
Can I tell them the truth? Do I trust they can/will be honest with me?
Is there mutual trust?
Does accountability exist or is there space for it? 
Are there healthy boundaries?
Do they treat me as an equal? If not, how or why do I feel inferior? Are these feelings of inferiority trauma-based or based on the actions/words of the other? Do I treat them as an equal?
Are they happy for you when you win/succeed? Do they act like your winning is a loss for them or an opportunity to compete?
Is there space for growth & are we growing together as time progresses?
If love has been expressed, is it dependent on certain conditions? Is love withheld during conflict or hard times?
Is there any love at all?

When I asked myself those questions & submitted these things to God, my therapist, & my extra wise friend, I knew based on the answers that this connection was no longer a good one to fully engage with.

So in my case, I don’t just feel better when we don’t speak cause feelings lie sometimes. I actually AM better because of it. I AM more confident, joyful, & peaceful. I AM more mature & am challenged to be better. I AM closer to God. Because I’m no longer submitted to them, I can contribute to the betterment of others. My character & their perception of it is no longer at their mercy. I don’t have to dim my light anymore.

This is why it’s crucial who you surround yourself with. Scripture says, “Do not be deceived. Bad company corrupts good character [morals].” & even if you don’t believe in or subscribe to Christian theology this is just good practice to keep your mental & emotional health at a high level. A summary report conducted by Mental Health Foundation affirms that “it’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship, but the quality of your close relationships that matters. Living in conflict or within a toxic relationship is more damaging than being alone.”

As the year comes to an end, consider taking an assessment on the relationships in your life & note what kind of person you would like to be to people, what kind of people you want/need to surround yourself with, & of your existing relationships, which need to change or even come to an end.

Have a good day, & finish well.

If you need additional resources for mental health, addiction, and suicide prevention, head over to the “get help” section.

If you want to share your story or journey or experience of overcoming mental distress or as someone with a diagnosed mental health or mood disorder you’re OK with that being shared publicly on the YNF website, shoot me an email at brittany@yourenotfinished.com or stories@yourenotfinished.com, or contact me through the site.

Anonymous submissions are always welcome.

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