This feels like a journal entry & it probably should be one.
Despite that, I feel this overwhelming need to express what is going on in my mind right now because I am confident someone feels the same. It always feels good when someone resonates with how you feel.
Anyway, I’m currently working through the “Set Boundaries” Workbook by Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW & it’s bringing up a lot of truths that I have been avoiding. I mean, I knew I was terrible at setting boundaries, but I didn’t know how avoidant & immature my actions were as a result of that.
I haven’t gone through the whole workbook yet, but it only took 24 pages to uncover thoughts that have been suppressed for years.
Thoughts that, again, should probably be in a private journal, but I just know me oversharing in this moment will help someone else.
I really wish I lived in a world where I could be goofy… angry… sad… confident… human… without judgement, condemnation, or consequence. Perceived or actual. I do not believe it is safe to be myself in any setting or capacity, which is why I lean towards not setting boundaries – not setting boundaries has provided me with a false sense of acceptance.
I recorded a podcast episode where I talk about the importance of setting boundaries, not realizing how hypocritical I actually am in my inability to set them for myself in a healthy way. The crazy thing is, I KNOW the benefits of setting boundaries. But I inherently believe that the pain of being rejected for setting them is worse, significantly worse, than the pain of remaining in or settling for potentially unhealthy relationships.
Ugly enough to where this mindset is likely to be pervasive amongst many others who want, or may even be desperate for, true acceptance and safety.
The author of the workbook suggests that there are three reasons why people find it hard to just say “no:”
- People-pleasing: “I want to be liked,” or “I don’t want people to be upset with me.”
- Fear: “If I say no, they will stop talking to me.”
- Unreasonable expectations: “I know I’m busy, but adding one more thing won’t be too much trouble.”
Directly quoted from the book & directly punching me in the chest with how accurate that is.
For those wondering why I’m not working this out in therapy, it’s because my therapist is hot garbage & his inability to offer up challenging & thoughtful antidotes to or rebuttals for anything I say is truly amazing. If you read my last blog post, you’ll know that from experience I understand the importance of having a good therapist, & this guy is just not it. I unfortunately have to wait until a female therapist (my preference) is available.
Anyway, this has to resonate with someone. As much as I wouldn’t want anyone to experience this, I know I’m not alone.
This is why I’ll be documenting my progress as I continue this workbook, and why I will likely be giving it away to someone else for the May giveaway. If I was able to uncover what I have just from 24 pages, who knows what kind of healing & progress is ahead of me & who knows how helpful this will be for someone else.
I guess we will just have to wait and see.
But for anyone who decided to read through this public journal entry, know that I’m fighting with you if you struggle with setting boundaries in a healthy way. We’re going to grow & get through this in order to finish well.
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If you want to share your story or journey or experience of overcoming mental distress or as someone with a diagnosed mental health or mood disorder you’re OK with that being shared publicly on the YNF website, shoot me an email at email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org, or contact me through the site.
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