I think we all do it depending on how badly we want certain behaviors to stop.

A couple of weeks ago I talked about how I’m using a workbook to help me learn how to set healthy boundaries and for the most part, it had been going pretty well. At least I thought so until I got to the part where the author said, “It’s expected that when you first start expressing limits, you may go full throttle and be slightly aggressive. Learn as you go.”

As soon as I read that I reflected and quickly realized not only had I been aggressive but there wasn’t too much that was slight about it.

I’d been overcorrecting.

I’ve spent so much time living without setting healthy boundaries in my relationships and experiencing the negative consequences of not doing that, and my zeal for freedom and healing superseded the wisdom I had in practicing how to communicate boundaries well. It caused me to angrily say no or state the wants/desires I had.

The boundaries and disagreements I had been communicating were communicated with the resentment I had been carrying towards the person(s) I needed to be in healthier relationships with.

They were communicated with the fear of my relationships with others and myself remaining the same.

I can confidently say, admittedly only from experience, that overcorrecting is a byproduct of fear of an undesirable outcome. Maybe fear of becoming the father you grew up with, fear of not being promoted at work, fear of being taken advantage of [again]. Scenarios I’m sure many can relate to.

While I’m willing to give myself grace in the learning process of setting boundaries for myself, I’m also more than willing to acknowledge that it isn’t my job to make others feel bad or guilty for crossing them.

The only person I can control is myself, which means I can be assertive and confident about my wants, needs, and desires without fear of how anyone will respond to them. I can remember and accept that a negative response to a boundary set is a reflection of the other person involved and the state of our relationship. Because I can control myself, I can decide whether or how a relationship can and should continue without taking things personally – giving the other person grace and liberty to be who they choose to be.

With or without me in their lives.

Additionally, holding on to resentment or unforgiveness benefits no one and is especially harmful to me.

With this realization, I made it a point to apologize to the person I’d been aggressively overcorrecting with but communicated how and why boundaries would be implemented going forward.

They understood. At least for the moment. Progress was made.

I won’t always get it right but I will be extra mindful going forward to develop and maintain the kind of relationships I’ve always wanted. If you’re looking for a good resource to help you do the same, the Set Boundaries Workbook has been extremely helpful to me. I’m sure it will help you as well. I plan on giving this away, but if you can’t wait until next month you can check it out here.

If you need additional resources for mental health, addiction, and suicide prevention, head over to the “get help” section.

If you want to share your story or journey or experience of overcoming mental distress or as someone with a diagnosed mental health or mood disorder you’re OK with that being shared publicly on the YNF website, shoot me an email at brittany@yourenotfinished.com or stories@yourenotfinished.com, or contact me through the site.

Anonymous submissions are always welcome.