There is something that I have been holding in inside and I can’t keep my thoughts silent anymore… this is how I feel about you
“You’re a whore”
“You’re a loser”
“I hate you”
“Don’t you get it… we all pretended to be your friend”
“We would never say this to your face but…”
I am sure many of you are thinking… Lexie how could you say so many awful things about someone? But here is my question to you… are you upset at me? Or are you upset because seeing these phrases staring back at you reminds you of when they flowed from your fingers on to the wall or in a text message to someone else?
We have all been there… we see the perfect opportunity to make ourselves more popular, to be the funny one or maybe a way out and a chance to put the spotlight on someone else, and take it off of us. All it takes is the minute to type a response or to post on a wall and hit send… and just like that our reward is on its way. Is it worth it? Is the price of someone else’s life truly worth what you seemingly traded it in for?
I know no wants to think about what words can truly do to others, and how we can have an effect on someone else’s life, but I have never sugar coated for you in the past and I am not about to start now.
Words hurt… and sometimes the pain of them is enough to bring a person to a point such pain all they long for is a way to numb the pain…
When I was in High School I was bullied and I didn’t really realize it until I had gone off to college. I was the kind of girl who made friends pretty easily, but I was always so afraid that I would lose them so I would do everything and anything to keep them around. I honestly thought this was normal, or that I was such a bad friend that it was only right that I had to work extra hard to make up for all the bad things I did.
It was about a month before going off to college on a Friday night, I was hanging out at home and I got a Myspace message from a friend. It was at least a page long letter explaing why I was hated in grave detail, and signed by more people than I could count. I remember calling a close friend at the time asking what was going on and if she knew anything about it. She said she didn’t and she was so sorry and would take me out to lunch the next day.( Side Note: I found out many months later that she was in on the entire thing) To say I was upset was an understatement, my parents heard me crying and they took my phone away so they couldn’t keep harassing me.
Shortly after I went to college with this amazing burden that I quickly learned to hide and not share with anyone, to me I felt like if I had failed with those friends, I better not give my new friends any reason to not like me and if I hid it from them I could have a fresh start.
Like many of you who have tried to hide your past without dealing with it you learn that it comes back, and I was no different. I would never say that incident single handedly brought me to the dark place I soon found to be my new home, but it without a doubt was a part of my journey. I soon came to realize how hurt I was by those girls and the unresolved issues and along with many other friend issues and abuse brought me to a decision… I wanted to end the pain and I wanted an escape… and I thought the only way to do so was to take my own life.
By the amazing grace of God I didn’t go through with it and found the help I needed before I took the actions I had so hastily planned in my head.
Like all of us my story has many chapters and the next comes from the time while I was cutting
Very few people knew about my struggles with cutting, depression, and suicidal thoughts but there were times during my journey that I was more open than others. During one of these phases I shared that I had been struggling and one person told me “Make sure when you go cut tonight that you go up and down” Another had decided to share with someone else and that person attacked me and said horrible things to me. At another time I had a very close friend who I would confide in when I had urges and at one point he said to me ” I am busy right now can you do it later?”
It’s easy to think that our words don’t hurt others but deep down we all know that they do, I don’t share these stories for any other reasons than these… if even just one person were to realize the effect that words can have on someone and decide to be the change. Or if someone who is going through the pain I did were to know that they are not alone.
I have always encouraged all of you to use your voice, and now is no different; by being silent we give them strength. Take a stand, and you could save a life.
Here are some amazing sites to help you find your voice and ways to help get you started!
The amazing story of Megan Meier:
Also check out: