Meet “Love Saves”

You can say I’ve been pretty lucky. 

I had a fair childhood, not a perfect one, but a decent one that not many can get. My family treated me nicely and did the best they could for me. I believed that the world was a beautiful place, and everyone was a good person who you could trust. The first decade of my life was very good; happy and care-free. I didn’t have a whole lot of friends but the ones I did have were important to me. They were smart and civilized. Life was almost perfect. I grew older and met a guy I couldn’t erase from my mind. I had known him since I was in third grade; and we were friends up to eighth grade. We eventually became very close and began dating.  At school, I faced probably what most people have, bullying because of my appearance and the way I acted. A few months into this relationship with the boy he began to grow tired of me and pushed me away. I was pretty upset and wanted him to like me again. He began to see other girls and pretty much cheat on me and at the same time would try to push me away. And when I didn’t go anywhere he would sexually abuse me. I would tell myself it was all a dream and that it never really happened, and he would tell me he loved me. He would promise this and say that he cared only to keep me there and use me. I believed and thought I had no other option.

But after a month or two, I gained the power to leave and I did. I regretted leaving for such a long time. But I learned that what I did was the right thing to do. However, nothing was over. I began facing a battle with myself every day. I attempted suicide several times. I was used to the neglect so I began to inflict it on myself. I didn’t know how to live without it. I started with smoking and then with the help of my best friend I was able to move past it. But I needed another coping method and began to cut myself. It became an addiction I had for over a year and my mother had found out but thought I quit that same night. But cutting and addictions don’t end overnight. It just doesn’t work that way. I was helped a lot through the self-harm phase of mine with a service called TeenLine that you could both text and call every evening. Friends faded from the scenes when they knew what I was doing, it was really painful to see everyone give up on me like they did.

After a month free of self-harm I got into unhealthy eating habits. I wanted to lose weight and I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to fix at least one thing about myself and I knew this was something I could probably do. I went on 3 day fasts and broke them with 200 calorie intakes. I lost over 8 pounds in five days once. I was so proud of myself. But it had made me sick too; I began to sleep for long periods of time because I was hungry. I slept for 21 hours in one day once. It also somehow brought me the most severe and disturbing nightmares I had yet. And I finally hit a realization; I would never be satisfied with my weight if I continued at this rate. I would never be happy with who I was. The day it all ended was the day I called the suicide hotline; the last time I had attempted suicide. All of this self-harm hurt not only me but the people around me, the ones who really cared. And now it’s been almost four months since I have last cut, attempted suicide, and 3 months since I last dieted. I’ve come to the realization that it’s time for me to move on with my life, to the next chapter, a new beginning. I still believe that there is good in everyone, just some don’t know how to show it. I know that there may be bad but there is always an ounce of goodness in everyone’s heart. I am very happy with where I am in life now. I am now graduating high school a year early, with a high GPA and have been accepted to a four year university in which I plan to attend. I will to prove them all wrong that I will be successful. I can be happy, I deserve to be. I am sixteen year old and proud to say that I am not a victim but a survivor.


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